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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Academy Awards Highlights

Every year, the Oscars entertain Hollywood insiders and movie fans alike. Here are some of the more memorable and scandalous moments in the ceremony's 81-year history:

  • 1945: A nervous Barbara Stanwyck confesses she doesn't fully understand the double- indemnity clauses in some life insurance policies
  • 1946: Still in character from The Lost Weekend, Ray Milland staggers up to the podium, mumbles something about it being Sunday, and then pisses all over the front row of the theater
  • 1948: Unbeknownst to the stars arriving at L.A.'s Shrine Auditorium, the red carpet leads directly into a surprise hearing of the House Un-American Activities Committee
  • 1955: Judy Garland accidentally boos her own name when announced as a nominee
  • 1977: A sizzling Faye Dunaway accepts her Oscar while naked, and the censors fail to fuzz it out
  • 1982: Instead of the usual montage of actors who passed away the previous year, the Academy screens a reel eerily and accurately predicting who will die in the year to come
  • 1994: After winning Best Actor for Philadelphia, Tom Hanks cracks up the crowd with his lighthearted jokes and reminds everyone that "it's just a stupid movie"
  • 2005: After host Chris Rock gets a few laughs at Jude Law's expense, Sean Penn joins in the fun by† pretending to be a humorless, pretentious asshole
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