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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Advances In Sports Medicine

The increased popularity of sports has done more than entertain—it's paid dividends in medical advances as well. Some of the more notable breakthroughs:

Erythropoietin: This protein produces the type of red blood cells that make you good at hitting mid-range jump shots

Gatorade Sweat: The combination of amino acids with phenylalanine hydroxylase turns an athlete's sweat into the brightly colored beverage, allowing athletes to just lick their forearms or inner thighs when they need a boost of energy

The Disabled List: Though top medical scientists are unsure how this mysterious "list" works, whoever is placed upon it magically comes out healed of their injuries

Endorcin: Ingestion of these pills dramatically increases an athlete's stamina and endurance for endorsing products

Sit-Ups: This revolutionary exercise technique, developed in the mid-1980s, strengthens the abdominal muscles and promotes overall fitness and well-being

Scoposcopy: Minimally invasive surgery where a doctor inserts a scope to evaluate the progress of other scopes currently examining the body

Chewable Steroids: Provide the same amount of massive muscle bulk, but available in several delicious natural fruit flavors that even the fussiest athlete will enjoy

Ken Griffey Jr. Surgery: Doctors take a knife and cut away at a patient's hamstring for hours

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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