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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Airport Security Oversights

A Connecticut man was recently arrested for carrying a stick of dynamite in his checked luggage on a flight back from Brazil. Here are some other items that have passed through airport security recently:

  • July 24, Houston to New York: Unauthorized liquids, cleverly hidden within cell membranes of passenger
  • July 28, Portland, OR to Topeka, KS: 16 pounds of science textbooks
  • Aug. 15, Pittsburgh to Detroit: VHS tape of Nothing But Trouble, starring Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd
  • Aug. 19, Washington, DC to Darfur: Hope
  • Aug. 23, Bangkok, Thailand to Orlando, FL: Monkey's paw with one wish left
  • Aug. 29, São Paulo, Brazil to Hartford, CT: More mining equipment, including Komatsu PC400LC-7 deep excavator
  • Aug. 31, Sydney, Australia to Los Angeles: Russell Crowe
  • Sept. 3, London to New York: A few Muslim people may have slipped through with their dignity

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