Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

Following Osama bin Laden's death, the Egyptian-born Saif al-Adel has reportedly been named interim leader of al-Qaeda. Here are some of the new terror head's qualifications:

  • Emerged as the clear favorite in both the Peshawar caucuses and South Waziristan primaries
  • Rated an ENTJ, also known as "the executive," on the Myers-Briggs test
  • Able to grow a ratty beard with just enough gray to look dignified
  • Subverting Western ideals was the subject of al-Adel's NYU gender studies thesis
  • As a current al-Qaeda member, he's already familiar with the terrorist network's payment system and PeopleSoft benefits-management software
  • Can keep a straight face while telling suicide bombers they can each expect 72 virgins in heaven
  • Absolutely nailed "America will soon be awash in blood and tears" reading during auditions
  • Real troublemaker
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