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Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

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A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
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Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

Following Osama bin Laden's death, the Egyptian-born Saif al-Adel has reportedly been named interim leader of al-Qaeda. Here are some of the new terror head's qualifications:

  • Emerged as the clear favorite in both the Peshawar caucuses and South Waziristan primaries
  • Rated an ENTJ, also known as "the executive," on the Myers-Briggs test
  • Able to grow a ratty beard with just enough gray to look dignified
  • Subverting Western ideals was the subject of al-Adel's NYU gender studies thesis
  • As a current al-Qaeda member, he's already familiar with the terrorist network's payment system and PeopleSoft benefits-management software
  • Can keep a straight face while telling suicide bombers they can each expect 72 virgins in heaven
  • Absolutely nailed "America will soon be awash in blood and tears" reading during auditions
  • Real troublemaker

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