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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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All-Star Game Gimmicks

As if it weren't enough to feature the game's top players in the only All-Star game in all the pro sports with any real implications, Major League Baseball and Fox have decided to spice up the contest with a few tweaks. Onion Sports lists the most intriguing:

Warning track covered with red carpet, celebrities

Every fan in attendance mic'd up

Basepath will have translucent blue glow to show viewers where baserunners need to go

Clean uniforms

To avoid dull, tedious, or awkward moments during broadcast, Fox promises never to point the cameras at Bud Selig

All-Stars will rifle balls into the stands during the new Line Drive Derby

Three Doors Down or some similar band will sing some song while they show videos of diving catches

Yankee Stadium to be imploded during seventh inning

Mercury column at first base will measure how much pressure the first baseman is applying to it

Game will determine if American League representative will win World Series at home or on the road

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