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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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All-Time Greatest Upsets

Stanford's defeat of top-ranked USC is merely the latest upset in a season that has already held more than its share. Onion Sports runs down some of the most shocking ever:

1919: At the Memorial Stakes, the dominant favorite Man o' War is defeated in a surprise victory by the most unlikely of winners, a horse named "Mob-Owned 22-1 Long Shot"

1948: Harry Truman defeats Thomas Dewey in a boxing match held to decide the presidency

1953: In the first game of their long and storied rivalry, the Harlem Globetrotters upset the Washington Generals, even though the heavily favored Generals appeared to be the much stronger and fundamentally sound team

1969: The Baltimore Colts let the New York Jets win Super Bowl III because they would just feel like hell if that nice young man Joe Namath wound up looking like an idiot in front of everybody

1980: A nation in need of hope witnesses the famous "Miracle On Ice" Olympic hockey game, in which coach Ronald Reagan leads his scrappy team of underdogs to victories against Russia, Iran, and evil

1991: Duke somehow pulls off a championship game victory over heavily favored UNLV despite having Christian Laettner on their team

1994: Despite incredibly long odds at the start of the season, no one wins the World Series

2000: Iowan-born American wrestler Rulon Gardner stuns Russian Alexander Karelin for the Olympic gold, a feat made more impressive by the fact that Gardner was involved in an ATV crash, a hunting mishap, and two bar fights during their match

2005: In perhaps the biggest shocker in the history of baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates almost beat the New York Yankees in an extra-inning interleague game

2006: In the long-standing rivalry between Jason Kidd and his wife, Kidd had been absolutely dominant; however, she finally turns the tables on him using a quick left hook and a soldering iron

2007: Appalachian State beats Michigan on a last-second blocked field goal, making Michigan fans the most upset in history

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