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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Alternative Energy Projects

The U.S. Department of Interior just approved Cape Wind, the nation's first offshore wind farm, which will be built five miles from Cape Cod. Here are some of the other projects awaiting approval:

  • Gulf of Mexico solar-powered oil-spill refinery
  • The Central Texas Lance-Armstrong-on-a-Stationary-Bike Initiative
  • The Nevada Battery Hole, a two-mile deep shaft that the nation's dead batteries will be thrown into
  • The Alabama Abdomeno-Thermal Energy Program, a proposal to bore deep shafts through the surface of the state's rotund citizenry to capture the natural heat emanating from their roiling liquid cores
  • Georgia's 100% Hazard-Free Miracle Electricity Program
  • The Salt Lake City Prayer Turbine
  • Solar PanelVille application on Facebook
  • The Alan Parsons Project Project, a program aimed at harnessing the unique onstage electricity that is generated when the legendary prog rockers play live
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