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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Alternative Energy Projects

The U.S. Department of Interior just approved Cape Wind, the nation's first offshore wind farm, which will be built five miles from Cape Cod. Here are some of the other projects awaiting approval:

  • Gulf of Mexico solar-powered oil-spill refinery
  • The Central Texas Lance-Armstrong-on-a-Stationary-Bike Initiative
  • The Nevada Battery Hole, a two-mile deep shaft that the nation's dead batteries will be thrown into
  • The Alabama Abdomeno-Thermal Energy Program, a proposal to bore deep shafts through the surface of the state's rotund citizenry to capture the natural heat emanating from their roiling liquid cores
  • Georgia's 100% Hazard-Free Miracle Electricity Program
  • The Salt Lake City Prayer Turbine
  • Solar PanelVille application on Facebook
  • The Alan Parsons Project Project, a program aimed at harnessing the unique onstage electricity that is generated when the legendary prog rockers play live

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