American Olympians To Watch

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Vol 50 Issue 05

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.

International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.
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American Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting U.S. athletes.

  • Shaun White (Snowboarding): A multi-million-dollar athlete who probably should have been one of those guys who just fell through your high school’s cracks
  • Nick Goepper (Slopestyle Skiing): At just 19 years old, Goepper has already proven himself a natural at posing in front of an American flag with his skis suspended across his shoulders and his arms hooked around them
  • Tim Burke (Biathlon): Burke was asked to join the team after impressively gunning down nine people in a small Minnesota town and then fleeing on skis
  • Lolo Jones (Bobsled): The track and field phenom has already drawn controversy for being an attractive woman
  • Sarah Hendrickson (Ski Jumping): She made the Olympic team, so she’s probably pretty good at ski jumping
  • Polina Edmunds (Figure Skating): Already 15 years of age, many are wondering if this Olympic hopeful is simply too old to be a professional figure skater
  • Noelle Pikus-Pace (Skeleton): The mother of two is easily identified during training runs as the one with a sidecar of children attached to her sled
  • Patrick Kane (Ice Hockey): One of the few people here who has more important things he could be doing with his time
  • Ted Ligety (Alpine Skiing): The 2006 gold medalist is once again expected to come up big in the Downhill Who Gives A Shit and Skiing Is Fucking Boring Slalom events
  • Becca Thompson (Figure Skating): This 16-year-old from Bellevue, OH isn’t strictly an Olympian—and may have only gone skating once, last winter on the rink near her house at 228 Tulane Street—but man, is she beautiful
  • Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings (Beach Volleyball): The greatest duo in beach volleyball history look to defend their 2010 Olympic gold
  • Kelly Clark (Snowboarding): The 30-year-old Clark claims she’s participating in her fourth Olympics, though we’re pretty sure we would’ve remembered her by now
  • Gracie Gold (Figure Skating): Despite numerous attempts, the media has yet to devise clever wordplay that combines the 18-year-old’s last name and her goal of placing first in her events
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