American Olympians To Watch

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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American Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting U.S. athletes.

  • Shaun White (Snowboarding): A multi-million-dollar athlete who probably should have been one of those guys who just fell through your high school’s cracks
  • Nick Goepper (Slopestyle Skiing): At just 19 years old, Goepper has already proven himself a natural at posing in front of an American flag with his skis suspended across his shoulders and his arms hooked around them
  • Tim Burke (Biathlon): Burke was asked to join the team after impressively gunning down nine people in a small Minnesota town and then fleeing on skis
  • Lolo Jones (Bobsled): The track and field phenom has already drawn controversy for being an attractive woman
  • Sarah Hendrickson (Ski Jumping): She made the Olympic team, so she’s probably pretty good at ski jumping
  • Polina Edmunds (Figure Skating): Already 15 years of age, many are wondering if this Olympic hopeful is simply too old to be a professional figure skater
  • Noelle Pikus-Pace (Skeleton): The mother of two is easily identified during training runs as the one with a sidecar of children attached to her sled
  • Patrick Kane (Ice Hockey): One of the few people here who has more important things he could be doing with his time
  • Ted Ligety (Alpine Skiing): The 2006 gold medalist is once again expected to come up big in the Downhill Who Gives A Shit and Skiing Is Fucking Boring Slalom events
  • Becca Thompson (Figure Skating): This 16-year-old from Bellevue, OH isn’t strictly an Olympian—and may have only gone skating once, last winter on the rink near her house at 228 Tulane Street—but man, is she beautiful
  • Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings (Beach Volleyball): The greatest duo in beach volleyball history look to defend their 2010 Olympic gold
  • Kelly Clark (Snowboarding): The 30-year-old Clark claims she’s participating in her fourth Olympics, though we’re pretty sure we would’ve remembered her by now
  • Gracie Gold (Figure Skating): Despite numerous attempts, the media has yet to devise clever wordplay that combines the 18-year-old’s last name and her goal of placing first in her events


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