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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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American Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting U.S. athletes.

  • Shaun White (Snowboarding): A multi-million-dollar athlete who probably should have been one of those guys who just fell through your high school’s cracks
  • Nick Goepper (Slopestyle Skiing): At just 19 years old, Goepper has already proven himself a natural at posing in front of an American flag with his skis suspended across his shoulders and his arms hooked around them
  • Tim Burke (Biathlon): Burke was asked to join the team after impressively gunning down nine people in a small Minnesota town and then fleeing on skis
  • Lolo Jones (Bobsled): The track and field phenom has already drawn controversy for being an attractive woman
  • Sarah Hendrickson (Ski Jumping): She made the Olympic team, so she’s probably pretty good at ski jumping
  • Polina Edmunds (Figure Skating): Already 15 years of age, many are wondering if this Olympic hopeful is simply too old to be a professional figure skater
  • Noelle Pikus-Pace (Skeleton): The mother of two is easily identified during training runs as the one with a sidecar of children attached to her sled
  • Patrick Kane (Ice Hockey): One of the few people here who has more important things he could be doing with his time
  • Ted Ligety (Alpine Skiing): The 2006 gold medalist is once again expected to come up big in the Downhill Who Gives A Shit and Skiing Is Fucking Boring Slalom events
  • Becca Thompson (Figure Skating): This 16-year-old from Bellevue, OH isn’t strictly an Olympian—and may have only gone skating once, last winter on the rink near her house at 228 Tulane Street—but man, is she beautiful
  • Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings (Beach Volleyball): The greatest duo in beach volleyball history look to defend their 2010 Olympic gold
  • Kelly Clark (Snowboarding): The 30-year-old Clark claims she’s participating in her fourth Olympics, though we’re pretty sure we would’ve remembered her by now
  • Gracie Gold (Figure Skating): Despite numerous attempts, the media has yet to devise clever wordplay that combines the 18-year-old’s last name and her goal of placing first in her events

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