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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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American Secrets For Sale

Space scientist Stewart David Nozette pleaded guilty to a charge of attempting to sell classified information to an FBI agent posing as an Israeli spy. Here are some other secrets people are trying to sell to foreign intelligence agencies:

  • What "USA" really stands for
  • Comprehensive list of the easiest gals in mid-Atlantic region
  • Hoover Dam is constructed entirely of inflatable materials and is vulnerable to anyone with a pointy object
  • Most all surfing is done by these three brothers
  • Ingredients in a perfect Tom Collins
  • A considerable number of Americans are actually introverted and/or understand irony
  • Bunch of worthless shit they can already find on WikiLeaks for free
  • Lyrics to Toby Keith's latest anthem, which give clues as to whose ass America's boot will be put in next
  • We're actually a pretty nice group of people

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