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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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America's Aging Infrastructure

Recent incidents, including a bridge collapse in Minneapolis and a steam tunnel explosion in New York City, have brought the nation's aging infrastructure into the spotlight. What are some of the country's major problem areas?

I-71, Columbus, OH: Years of poor maintenance have led to erosion and a rise in quicksand traps that swallow semitrucks whole

Four Corners Power Plant, Fruitland, NM: Aging gerbil no longer able to power Southwest

Water Treatment Facility, Missoula, MT: Constructed on Indian burial ground, ancient curse causing foundation to settle unevenly

Disney World Monorail, Orlando, FL: Once purported to run entirely on happy thoughts, the 36-year-old Disney monorail system has relied increasingly on regular electricity

Statue of Liberty, New York City: Lady Liberty is showing stress fractures and other structural damage following more than a century of being leaned on by huddled masses

Seven Mile Bridge, Key West, FL: Overburdened by discarded responsibilities

Levee system, metropolitan New Orleans: Actually, it's in perfect condition

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