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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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America's Aging Infrastructure

Recent incidents, including a bridge collapse in Minneapolis and a steam tunnel explosion in New York City, have brought the nation's aging infrastructure into the spotlight. What are some of the country's major problem areas?

I-71, Columbus, OH: Years of poor maintenance have led to erosion and a rise in quicksand traps that swallow semitrucks whole

Four Corners Power Plant, Fruitland, NM: Aging gerbil no longer able to power Southwest

Water Treatment Facility, Missoula, MT: Constructed on Indian burial ground, ancient curse causing foundation to settle unevenly

Disney World Monorail, Orlando, FL: Once purported to run entirely on happy thoughts, the 36-year-old Disney monorail system has relied increasingly on regular electricity

Statue of Liberty, New York City: Lady Liberty is showing stress fractures and other structural damage following more than a century of being leaned on by huddled masses

Seven Mile Bridge, Key West, FL: Overburdened by discarded responsibilities

Levee system, metropolitan New Orleans: Actually, it's in perfect condition

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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