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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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America's Most Flawed Sports Facilities

Minute Maid Park: Jesus Christ, a hill in centerfield? With a flagpole in play? What the hell were the Astros thinking?

Qwest Field: The Seahawks organization is unable to explain how, during two years of construction, no one noticed they were building the stadium upside down

Miller Park: Reviews are mixed on the innovative fan-shaped retractable roof, as it allows fans to watch a game in the rain but also crushes everyone in the upper deck to death

Daytona International Speedway: This world-class racing facility has been known to suddenly fill up with tens of thousands of backwards mouth-breathing louts for no discernable reason

Ebbets Field: Is actually a Popeyes Chicken, and not a very clean one, either

Prudential Center: While using dry ice on the rink certainly makes the New Jersey Devils appear more ominous, stopping play to replace the surface every two minutes is a pain in the ass

Coors Field: The beer tap in the center field wall pours the absolute hands-down shittiest beer imaginable

Lambeau Field: There is absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with Lambeau Field

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