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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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America's Most Flawed Sports Facilities

Minute Maid Park: Jesus Christ, a hill in centerfield? With a flagpole in play? What the hell were the Astros thinking?

Qwest Field: The Seahawks organization is unable to explain how, during two years of construction, no one noticed they were building the stadium upside down

Miller Park: Reviews are mixed on the innovative fan-shaped retractable roof, as it allows fans to watch a game in the rain but also crushes everyone in the upper deck to death

Daytona International Speedway: This world-class racing facility has been known to suddenly fill up with tens of thousands of backwards mouth-breathing louts for no discernable reason

Ebbets Field: Is actually a Popeyes Chicken, and not a very clean one, either

Prudential Center: While using dry ice on the rink certainly makes the New Jersey Devils appear more ominous, stopping play to replace the surface every two minutes is a pain in the ass

Coors Field: The beer tap in the center field wall pours the absolute hands-down shittiest beer imaginable

Lambeau Field: There is absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with Lambeau Field

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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