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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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'America's Most Wanted' Canceled

After 23 years on the air, America's Most Wanted—the Fox show that dramatizes real crimes in order to assist in the capture of suspects—will no longer air as a weekly program. Here are some of the show's highlights:

  • 1987: The concept is born after a desperate staffer at the fledgling Fox network decides to pitch everything he sees in line at the post office as a television show
  • 1988: The show's pilot airs, and producers nearly call it quits after the first tip they receive proves incorrect
  • 1989: The show loses an intense bidding war with Cops to secure the rights to Inner Circle's smash hit "Bad Boys," forcing producers to go with the program's now iconic theme "Two Hearts" by Phil Collins
  • 1992: For five episodes, host John Walsh unsuccessfully tries out a new sign-off, "Keep helping us catch those fuckin' crooks"
  • 1999: The Cormier family of Gainesville, FL is elated when the program does a really great reenactment of Uncle Mike's armed robbery
  • 2005: To Catch A Predator and America's Most Wanted show up at the same house at the same time
  • 2006: John Walsh is accused of abusing the resources of his show when he devotes an entire episode to finding his missing keys
  • 2008: The show celebrates the arrest of the 1,000th actor mistaken for the rapist he portrayed
  • 2011: After an episode reenacting the 9/11 attacks, the tip that leads to Osama bin Laden's assassination is credited to an Abbottabad, Pakistan housewife who watches the show religiously
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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