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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Amusement Park Rides Under Scrutiny

Following the recent tragedy in which a Chinese ride called Space Journey malfunctioned and killed six people, many carnival rides are being more carefully inspected. Here are the reasons some of our favorites are being closed:

  • Accidentally shaped like giant penis
  • Wasn't bringing in the chumps like it used to
  • A few cats living in the gears, so what?
  • Contained too many racist depictions of the Chinese
  • Exceeded regulatory limit on miscarriages per hundred rides
  • Centripetal force exceeded tensile strength
  • Only guy who knew how to set it up choked on hot dog
  • Some kid barfed and the barf flew back and hit another kid in the face and he choked on it and died, so we heard

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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