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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Andy Rooney Stepping Down

Longtime 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney made his final appearance on the show Sunday. Here are some quotes from his storied career:

"The other day, I finally gave in to my wife's prodding and tried a peanut for the first time" (Sept. 16, 1984, "Peanuts Are All Right")

"Like many Americans, I have a book of matches" (Jan. 6, 1985, "When The Lights Go Out")

"Everyone's talking about Baby Jessica and how she's okay, and we're all glad for that. But no one's talking about that well. Can they still use it? Will they have to build a new one? That's what I'd like to know" (Oct. 18, 1987, "What About The Well?")

"If I could, I would lick everything in sight" (Nov. 24, 1996, "The Problem With Self-Adhesive Stamps")

"Bill Clinton is a ninny. Tony Blair is a ninny. Steve Case is a ninny. Lawrence Eagleburger is a ninny. Dom DeLuise is a ninny. Lee Iacocca is a ninny" (Jan. 18, 1998, "Everything Is Wrong Nowadays")

"M&Ms have many colors but only one taste. That's why they flew planes into those buildings" (Sept. 11, 2001, "It's Our Own Fault")

"I'm just not doing my commentary tonight and I don't think I need to give you a reason" (June 16, 2002, "Not Tonight")

"I'm the only person I know who still gets three newspapers every morning" (Oct. 13, 2002, "I Don't Know How To Cancel A Newspaper Subscription")

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