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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Andy Rooney Stepping Down

Longtime 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney made his final appearance on the show Sunday. Here are some quotes from his storied career:

"The other day, I finally gave in to my wife's prodding and tried a peanut for the first time" (Sept. 16, 1984, "Peanuts Are All Right")

"Like many Americans, I have a book of matches" (Jan. 6, 1985, "When The Lights Go Out")

"Everyone's talking about Baby Jessica and how she's okay, and we're all glad for that. But no one's talking about that well. Can they still use it? Will they have to build a new one? That's what I'd like to know" (Oct. 18, 1987, "What About The Well?")

"If I could, I would lick everything in sight" (Nov. 24, 1996, "The Problem With Self-Adhesive Stamps")

"Bill Clinton is a ninny. Tony Blair is a ninny. Steve Case is a ninny. Lawrence Eagleburger is a ninny. Dom DeLuise is a ninny. Lee Iacocca is a ninny" (Jan. 18, 1998, "Everything Is Wrong Nowadays")

"M&Ms have many colors but only one taste. That's why they flew planes into those buildings" (Sept. 11, 2001, "It's Our Own Fault")

"I'm just not doing my commentary tonight and I don't think I need to give you a reason" (June 16, 2002, "Not Tonight")

"I'm the only person I know who still gets three newspapers every morning" (Oct. 13, 2002, "I Don't Know How To Cancel A Newspaper Subscription")

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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