Andy Rooney Stepping Down

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Vol 47 Issue 40

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Andy Rooney Stepping Down

Longtime 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney made his final appearance on the show Sunday. Here are some quotes from his storied career:

"The other day, I finally gave in to my wife's prodding and tried a peanut for the first time" (Sept. 16, 1984, "Peanuts Are All Right")

"Like many Americans, I have a book of matches" (Jan. 6, 1985, "When The Lights Go Out")

"Everyone's talking about Baby Jessica and how she's okay, and we're all glad for that. But no one's talking about that well. Can they still use it? Will they have to build a new one? That's what I'd like to know" (Oct. 18, 1987, "What About The Well?")

"If I could, I would lick everything in sight" (Nov. 24, 1996, "The Problem With Self-Adhesive Stamps")

"Bill Clinton is a ninny. Tony Blair is a ninny. Steve Case is a ninny. Lawrence Eagleburger is a ninny. Dom DeLuise is a ninny. Lee Iacocca is a ninny" (Jan. 18, 1998, "Everything Is Wrong Nowadays")

"M&Ms have many colors but only one taste. That's why they flew planes into those buildings" (Sept. 11, 2001, "It's Our Own Fault")

"I'm just not doing my commentary tonight and I don't think I need to give you a reason" (June 16, 2002, "Not Tonight")

"I'm the only person I know who still gets three newspapers every morning" (Oct. 13, 2002, "I Don't Know How To Cancel A Newspaper Subscription")

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