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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Apple Finally Unveils iPad

Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its features:

  • Awkward name enables Twitter users to make the same joke over and over and over again
  • Super slick design makes it impossible to hold, pick up, or stop from sliding down the street
  • Softly whimpers if left alone for too long
  • Maureen Dowd New York Times column generator
  • Photo album of the Jobs family summer vacation in Aruba
  • Free pair of black-rimmed glasses, turtleneck, and position at New York City architecture firm
  • Can withstand breezes up to 3 mph
  • To ensure that its users receive the constant public attention they crave, the iPad will emit the phrase "Hey, does that guy have an iPad?" every eight minutes
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