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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Apple Finally Unveils iPad

Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its features:

  • Awkward name enables Twitter users to make the same joke over and over and over again
  • Super slick design makes it impossible to hold, pick up, or stop from sliding down the street
  • Softly whimpers if left alone for too long
  • Maureen Dowd New York Times column generator
  • Photo album of the Jobs family summer vacation in Aruba
  • Free pair of black-rimmed glasses, turtleneck, and position at New York City architecture firm
  • Can withstand breezes up to 3 mph
  • To ensure that its users receive the constant public attention they crave, the iPad will emit the phrase "Hey, does that guy have an iPad?" every eight minutes

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