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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Apple Vows To End Unsafe Labor Practices

Amidst charges that Apple employs numerous Chinese factories that mistreat and underpay their employees, Apple CEO Tim Cook vowed to ensure the safety and fair compensation of the people who make the company’s popular iPods, iPads, and iPhones. Here are some of the changes that will be instituted:

  • Employees to be given 15-minute breaks to talk about how great the company is with their coworkers.
  • All electrical outlets must be raised to at least two inches above standing water on factory floor.
  • Employees will be allowed to choose the color of their own dormitory walls from a list of four pre-approved grays.
  • One suggestion box per square mile of factory floor.
  • Laborers immobilized by repetitive stress injuries now humanely put down by Apple’s Mercy Squads.
  • Suicidal employees given Tony Robbins–filled iPod Shuffle.
  • iPhone users to roam factory floor playing Angry Birds, helping hard-working employees feel more connected to final product.
  • Ten percent employee discount on AppleCare.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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