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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Apple Vows To End Unsafe Labor Practices

Amidst charges that Apple employs numerous Chinese factories that mistreat and underpay their employees, Apple CEO Tim Cook vowed to ensure the safety and fair compensation of the people who make the company’s popular iPods, iPads, and iPhones. Here are some of the changes that will be instituted:

  • Employees to be given 15-minute breaks to talk about how great the company is with their coworkers.
  • All electrical outlets must be raised to at least two inches above standing water on factory floor.
  • Employees will be allowed to choose the color of their own dormitory walls from a list of four pre-approved grays.
  • One suggestion box per square mile of factory floor.
  • Laborers immobilized by repetitive stress injuries now humanely put down by Apple’s Mercy Squads.
  • Suicidal employees given Tony Robbins–filled iPod Shuffle.
  • iPhone users to roam factory floor playing Angry Birds, helping hard-working employees feel more connected to final product.
  • Ten percent employee discount on AppleCare.
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