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Apple Vows To End Unsafe Labor Practices

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Apple Vows To End Unsafe Labor Practices

Amidst charges that Apple employs numerous Chinese factories that mistreat and underpay their employees, Apple CEO Tim Cook vowed to ensure the safety and fair compensation of the people who make the company’s popular iPods, iPads, and iPhones. Here are some of the changes that will be instituted:

  • Employees to be given 15-minute breaks to talk about how great the company is with their coworkers.
  • All electrical outlets must be raised to at least two inches above standing water on factory floor.
  • Employees will be allowed to choose the color of their own dormitory walls from a list of four pre-approved grays.
  • One suggestion box per square mile of factory floor.
  • Laborers immobilized by repetitive stress injuries now humanely put down by Apple’s Mercy Squads.
  • Suicidal employees given Tony Robbins–filled iPod Shuffle.
  • iPhone users to roam factory floor playing Angry Birds, helping hard-working employees feel more connected to final product.
  • Ten percent employee discount on AppleCare.

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