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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand. Here are Apple’s ideas for reviving its image as the most cutting-edge company in the tech industry:

  • Every single iPhone will come with a unique backstory
  • New razor-thin Apple Stores
  • Programming Siri’s voice to age along with iPhone
  • Genius Bar employees required to know, execute basic parkour moves
  • Adding the word “innovative” to end of all product names
  • CEO Tim Cook to adopt more youthful name A.J. Cook
  • Creating a new market by taking the reflector thing that doctors used to wear on their foreheads and adding technology to it somehow
  • Expanding the “Sent from my iPhone” email signature to a full-length sonnet
  • New “I’m a Mac” commercials with hip indie celeb John Hodgman as the Mac
  • All future technology to be released in cream-based form users apply to their face and enjoy
  • Marking up prices of all products by $70

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