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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand. Here are Apple’s ideas for reviving its image as the most cutting-edge company in the tech industry:

  • Every single iPhone will come with a unique backstory
  • New razor-thin Apple Stores
  • Programming Siri’s voice to age along with iPhone
  • Genius Bar employees required to know, execute basic parkour moves
  • Adding the word “innovative” to end of all product names
  • CEO Tim Cook to adopt more youthful name A.J. Cook
  • Creating a new market by taking the reflector thing that doctors used to wear on their foreheads and adding technology to it somehow
  • Expanding the “Sent from my iPhone” email signature to a full-length sonnet
  • New “I’m a Mac” commercials with hip indie celeb John Hodgman as the Mac
  • All future technology to be released in cream-based form users apply to their face and enjoy
  • Marking up prices of all products by $70

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