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Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

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In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand. Here are Apple’s ideas for reviving its image as the most cutting-edge company in the tech industry:

  • Every single iPhone will come with a unique backstory
  • New razor-thin Apple Stores
  • Programming Siri’s voice to age along with iPhone
  • Genius Bar employees required to know, execute basic parkour moves
  • Adding the word “innovative” to end of all product names
  • CEO Tim Cook to adopt more youthful name A.J. Cook
  • Creating a new market by taking the reflector thing that doctors used to wear on their foreheads and adding technology to it somehow
  • Expanding the “Sent from my iPhone” email signature to a full-length sonnet
  • New “I’m a Mac” commercials with hip indie celeb John Hodgman as the Mac
  • All future technology to be released in cream-based form users apply to their face and enjoy
  • Marking up prices of all products by $70

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