WASHINGTON—Drawing on a trove of letters, diaries, and itemized receipts recently donated by private collectors, historians from Georgetown University published new evidence on Wednesday of the Founding Lobbyists’ intense behind-the-scenes campaign to influence the U.S. Constitution.
LAS VEGAS—Praising it as the perfect destination for the trepidatious gambler, a new poll released Wednesday in ‘Casino Player’ magazine voted the Bellagio the best casino for standing around too nervous to approach a poker table.
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Claiming their findings could radically alter the very notion of reality, researchers from MIT published a study Tuesday postulating that Sonic the Hedgehog might be living in a sophisticated computer simulation.
MANSFIELD, MA—Increasingly anxious at the distance between the lead vocalist and center stage, concertgoers told reporters Tuesday that they were worried Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd might not make it back to the microphone in time for the third chorus of “Wish You Were Here.”
PITTSBURGH—Saying he didn’t know how long he could put up with his enclosure companions, an African grey parrot was reportedly disappointed Monday to discover that the other birds in his new aviary are a bunch of idiots.
CHICAGO—Telling reporters Monday that it was one of the most memorable two-on-two Tournament Mode games of his storied career, former ‘NBA Hangtime’ announcer Dick Walters described calling Scottie Pippen’s classic 1997 fire double dunk game.
KATY, TX—Exasperated at the sight of the gasping child yet again latching onto the divider, lifeguard Kyle Nabinger told reporters Monday that he was getting pretty fed up with an out-of-breath kid who was hanging on the lane line.
LOS ANGELES—Saying there was a near perfect correlation between the two phenomena, a new study released Monday by the University of Southern California Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism found that being on the cover of ‘People’ magazine is the best predictor of revealing all.
CHARLOTTE, NC—Suddenly stopping in his tracks as he boarded the Lynx blue line to go apply for a library card on Tuesday, local man Mark Collier came to the horrifying realization that he was putting down roots in the city of Charlotte, NC. “W...