OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
NEW YORK—Insisting that he’s capable of reaching the same heights as in the past, small forward Carmelo Anthony told reporters Wednesday that he is confident he can still help a contender flame out in the first round.
Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:
As our employees ceaselessly analyze a vast trove of classified White House documents on ocean barges floating outside the jurisdiction of the Fair Labor Standards Act, we are finding ample evidence that the path being pursued by this president and his cabinet is, as anticipated, startlingly unlike any other in history.
BRUSSELS—Sad and lonely from the diplomatic trip that has kept him thousands of miles away from his private estate for almost a week, a homesick Donald Trump stayed up all night on the phone with the automated Mar-a-Lago reservations line, sources said Wednesday.
VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.
ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
THE HEAVENS—Upon discovering His shining celestial throne had again begun to wobble beneath Him, God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to level it out Tuesday by shoving another cherub under one of its legs.
BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported.
VANCOUVER—Announcing its publication in response to overwhelming demand, the editors of the ‘Guinness World Records’ on Wednesday released an abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff.
As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
MCCOMB, AL—In an announcement that quickly set Lowndes County abuzz with excitement, royal family sources revealed Tuesday that Brandy Puckett, 15, Duchess of McComb and first in the line of succession to the throne, was pregnant with her first chil...