TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
PITTSBURGH—Noting that the people he works with have only ever seen his moronic office persona, local accountant Stan Bedford told reporters he was excited to look like an entirely different type of idiot in front of his coworkers when they go out for after-work beers Tuesday.
NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his c...
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying they found themselves shocked, appalled, and yet unable to look away, hundreds of passersby stopped to view the horrible wreckage of 34-year-old local resident Tim Finucane on Tuesday.
Following approved article contains: Detailed account of American selfishness in matters concerning the state; The multiple failures of Illinois resident Geoff Ross and how he has become a shameful hindrance to his community at large; Unwavering egoism.
WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website designer were, fellow Wichita Falls resident and Denny's patron Josh Borman would be happy to help finish them off. That's cool, though, if Goodwin, a regular at the I-80 and Telegraph Road Denny's, is still working on them. Yeah, Borman finished his $4.99 Grand Slam breakfast already, but he can just sit there and read his placemat, it's no biggie.
ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of Brown's Semitic roots. "I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian." Added Purdie: "Is Brown a Jewish name?"
FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for insipid, pie-faced screen-door-factory worker Willard Kurtz. "He's a real sweet guy," Browner said of her new fiancé, who is insisting on a sports-themed wedding reception to be held in March at the Fayetteville-area Hooters owned by his cousin Ed. "And he's got very nice hands." The couple will live with Kurtz's aunt until things start taking off at the factory.
ALHAMBRA, CA—Area crazy man Dennis Fife held a press conference Tuesday to announce that on Oct. 8, he will stand in the doorway of the office building at 2600 Kenilworth Avenue and yell at cars all day.
DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in next Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Having found himself without others to interact with at a house party Wednesday, guest Ben Weaver reportedly attempted to enter a conversation by spending a few minutes just smiling and nodding at the edge of a circle of people.
PIERRE, SD—Saying he couldn’t wait to spend the entire night struggling to maintain a comfortable position, houseguest Adam Weaver reportedly told his friend and host, Luke Irving, Thursday that he was happy to have been given an air mattress that would slowly deflate throughout the night.