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Vol 34 Issue 01

Spiderman Distracts Dr. Octopus With Delicious Hostess Fruit Pies

NEW YORK—A major jewel heist was lip-smackingly thwarted Monday, when noted criminal overlord Dr. Octopus was brought to justice thanks to Spiderman and the irresistible taste of Hostess Fruit Pies. According to reports, Octopus and two unidentified henchmen were in the process of burgling the fabulous Wentworth Jewels from the New York Museum when Spiderman happened upon the scene and distracted the would-be thieves with a shopping bag filled with an assortment of Hostess Fruit Pies, enabling the web-slinger to capture them. "How could I resist this flaky crust... this juicy filling?" said Octopus, happily munching a cherry pie as police hauled him away in a giant spiderweb. Spiderman warned that any criminal who consumed a Hostess pie would receive a big delight in every bite.

Child So Stupid She Sees Letters Backwards

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—According to tests conducted by school psychologists and reading teachers, local third-grader Stephanie Franck is so mind-bogglingly stupid that she sees English text as though it were backwards. "When shown a flash card that reads 'milk,' this addle-pated dimwit responds with utterly senseless gobbledygook like 'klim,' 'kilm' and 'iklum,'" said Shore Road Elementary School psychologist Francine Grunwald. "How dumb can she be?" Grunwald has recommended that Franck be placed in one of the school's "retard-track" classes.

From The Diaries Of My Father

My father, Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel, was a great man and a beloved figure throughout the Republic, until his reputation was eclipsed by time and my own greatness. That is why, for the benefit of those born in the 20th century, I have decided to publish my Pater's diaries in book form for the first time. My column to-day features several tantalizing excerpts from his days on the rugged frontier, as well as some from his waning years.

Security Concerns At The Capitol

On July 24, Russell Weston Jr. entered the U.S. Capitol with a .38 caliber revolver and killed two guards, prompting calls for tighter security in the building that houses our nation's top lawmakers. What do you think?

Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
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