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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage

This week, the Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, bringing the question of legalizing gay marriage to the national forefront. Here are the cases made by same-sex marriage advocates and opponents:

ARGUMENTS FOR GAY MARRIAGE:

  • Always fun to piss off really religious people
  • Little lesbian girls around the country would one day get to live their dream of standing together in front of a county clerk’s office employee and working through the bureaucracy to obtain a marriage license
  • Straight couples could finally unload their unused fondue sets from their marriages
  • Just to see the look on Rick Perry’s dumb fucking face
  • Every citizen should have the right to have their special day where young and old alike can awkwardly dance to the “Cha Cha Slide”
  • The two women from the popular Internet video “Asian and Black Chick Lesbians Dildo Fuck SO HOT Squirting Bitch” could finally get married
  • Gay wedding episode of Modern Family will help ABC take a big victory in the 18-to-49 demo
  • Bestowing dignity upon a wrongfully oppressed minority just a nice thing to do

ARGUMENTS AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE:

  • Leviticus 18:22, Deuteronomy 23:17, Romans 1:26
  • Could further weaken traditional American values like prejudice, intolerance, and hatred
  • Nation running out of citizens to make second-class
  • Love is a cruel, vicious demoness no man should have thrust upon his person
  • Would successfully prevent the erosion of the immaculate, utterly flawless American family
  • Everything on registry too expensive
  • Runs against article of U.S. Constitution explicitly barring homosexual marriage
  • If we let gays marry, what’s to stop people from marrying animals or trees or tables? …Okay, we know this is pretty stupid, but we really needed some more things to fill out this side of the list
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