adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage

This week, the Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, bringing the question of legalizing gay marriage to the national forefront. Here are the cases made by same-sex marriage advocates and opponents:

ARGUMENTS FOR GAY MARRIAGE:

  • Always fun to piss off really religious people
  • Little lesbian girls around the country would one day get to live their dream of standing together in front of a county clerk’s office employee and working through the bureaucracy to obtain a marriage license
  • Straight couples could finally unload their unused fondue sets from their marriages
  • Just to see the look on Rick Perry’s dumb fucking face
  • Every citizen should have the right to have their special day where young and old alike can awkwardly dance to the “Cha Cha Slide”
  • The two women from the popular Internet video “Asian and Black Chick Lesbians Dildo Fuck SO HOT Squirting Bitch” could finally get married
  • Gay wedding episode of Modern Family will help ABC take a big victory in the 18-to-49 demo
  • Bestowing dignity upon a wrongfully oppressed minority just a nice thing to do

ARGUMENTS AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE:

  • Leviticus 18:22, Deuteronomy 23:17, Romans 1:26
  • Could further weaken traditional American values like prejudice, intolerance, and hatred
  • Nation running out of citizens to make second-class
  • Love is a cruel, vicious demoness no man should have thrust upon his person
  • Would successfully prevent the erosion of the immaculate, utterly flawless American family
  • Everything on registry too expensive
  • Runs against article of U.S. Constitution explicitly barring homosexual marriage
  • If we let gays marry, what’s to stop people from marrying animals or trees or tables? …Okay, we know this is pretty stupid, but we really needed some more things to fill out this side of the list

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close