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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Athletes And Guns

The recent Plaxico Burress incident is only the latest chapter in a long and unhealthy relationship between sports and firearms. Here are some of the more dramatic examples:

1987: A simple game of spin-the-gun between Lawrence Taylor and his Giants teammates goes even more awry than usual

1996–present: Surprisingly, Michael Irvin's run-ins with the law do not involve handguns, only drugs and stabbings

1995: Seahawks wide receiver Brian Blades accidentally kills his cousin while trying to shoot a persistent clump of sod off his cleats

1999: After gaining access to a really cool gun, Panthers receiver Rae Carruth figures he might as well shoot his pregnant ex-girlfriend in a drive-by

2003: Shaquille O'Neal shows up to practice in a Panzer VI Tiger tank

2004: NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series officials fine Kyle Busch $50,000 for using a nonregulation gun rack in the back window of his truck

2007: After the Pacman Jones debacle, NFL officials abolish the rule that gives its players a free gun every time they enter a strip club

2008: Bob Ley accidentally blows his arm off in the middle of another Outside The Lines segment about the link between athletes and guns

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