Athletes And Guns

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Vol 44 Issue 49

Shitload Of Math Due Monday

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking answers in the back.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Athletes And Guns

The recent Plaxico Burress incident is only the latest chapter in a long and unhealthy relationship between sports and firearms. Here are some of the more dramatic examples:

1987: A simple game of spin-the-gun between Lawrence Taylor and his Giants teammates goes even more awry than usual

1996–present: Surprisingly, Michael Irvin's run-ins with the law do not involve handguns, only drugs and stabbings

1995: Seahawks wide receiver Brian Blades accidentally kills his cousin while trying to shoot a persistent clump of sod off his cleats

1999: After gaining access to a really cool gun, Panthers receiver Rae Carruth figures he might as well shoot his pregnant ex-girlfriend in a drive-by

2003: Shaquille O'Neal shows up to practice in a Panzer VI Tiger tank

2004: NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series officials fine Kyle Busch $50,000 for using a nonregulation gun rack in the back window of his truck

2007: After the Pacman Jones debacle, NFL officials abolish the rule that gives its players a free gun every time they enter a strip club

2008: Bob Ley accidentally blows his arm off in the middle of another Outside The Lines segment about the link between athletes and guns

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