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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Athletes And Guns

The recent Plaxico Burress incident is only the latest chapter in a long and unhealthy relationship between sports and firearms. Here are some of the more dramatic examples:

1987: A simple game of spin-the-gun between Lawrence Taylor and his Giants teammates goes even more awry than usual

1996–present: Surprisingly, Michael Irvin's run-ins with the law do not involve handguns, only drugs and stabbings

1995: Seahawks wide receiver Brian Blades accidentally kills his cousin while trying to shoot a persistent clump of sod off his cleats

1999: After gaining access to a really cool gun, Panthers receiver Rae Carruth figures he might as well shoot his pregnant ex-girlfriend in a drive-by

2003: Shaquille O'Neal shows up to practice in a Panzer VI Tiger tank

2004: NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series officials fine Kyle Busch $50,000 for using a nonregulation gun rack in the back window of his truck

2007: After the Pacman Jones debacle, NFL officials abolish the rule that gives its players a free gun every time they enter a strip club

2008: Bob Ley accidentally blows his arm off in the middle of another Outside The Lines segment about the link between athletes and guns

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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