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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Athletes And Religion

Tim Tebow has reinvigorated discussion on athletes using the field as a pulpit, but of course he's hardly the first to do so.

  • Bill Belichick: Had God killed in 2003
  • Barry Bonds: Pointed to the sky after hitting his 756th career home run, mocking the weak God he'd bested with the power of science
  • Muhammad Ali: Made a principled religious stand against serving in Vietnam, although there were plenty of other fine reasons to want to stay out of that one
  • Tiger Woods: As a practicing Buddhist, he subscribes to the Four Noble Truths: Life is suffering; the origin of suffering is attachment; the cessation of suffering is attainable; when the river's running red, take the dirt road
  • Hakeem Olajuwon: In 1995, named the NBA Player of the Month during Ramadan, despite fasting that caused him to lose weight and shrink 9 inches
  • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: A proud Muslim who changed his name to reflect his faith, Abdul-Jabbar is certainly glad he played when he did
  • Sandy Koufax: Jew
  • Secretariat: Famously changed name to Yousef al-Salaam after winning 1973 Preakness
  • Reggie White: Credited his 198.5 sacks to Jesus even though they were actually granted by Indra, the Hindu deity of war, rainfall, and the Green Bay Packers

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