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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Athletes And Religion

Tim Tebow has reinvigorated discussion on athletes using the field as a pulpit, but of course he's hardly the first to do so.

  • Bill Belichick: Had God killed in 2003
  • Barry Bonds: Pointed to the sky after hitting his 756th career home run, mocking the weak God he'd bested with the power of science
  • Muhammad Ali: Made a principled religious stand against serving in Vietnam, although there were plenty of other fine reasons to want to stay out of that one
  • Tiger Woods: As a practicing Buddhist, he subscribes to the Four Noble Truths: Life is suffering; the origin of suffering is attachment; the cessation of suffering is attainable; when the river's running red, take the dirt road
  • Hakeem Olajuwon: In 1995, named the NBA Player of the Month during Ramadan, despite fasting that caused him to lose weight and shrink 9 inches
  • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: A proud Muslim who changed his name to reflect his faith, Abdul-Jabbar is certainly glad he played when he did
  • Sandy Koufax: Jew
  • Secretariat: Famously changed name to Yousef al-Salaam after winning 1973 Preakness
  • Reggie White: Credited his 198.5 sacks to Jesus even though they were actually granted by Indra, the Hindu deity of war, rainfall, and the Green Bay Packers

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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