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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Athletes And Sexual Misadventure

Tiger Woods' public apology for serial philandering reminds us how athletes have always found sex as problematic as it is easy for them to get.

  • 776 BC: The ancient Greeks hold the two-week fuckfest that would eventually come to be known as the Olympics
  • 1949: Golfer and all-around athlete Babe Didrickson finds a way to get no less than nine hard cocks inside her at once
  • 1950: Wilt Chamberlain loses his virginity and figures he'd like to try that again some time
  • 1952: First recorded instance of a youth soccer player being asked to help get coach's whistle out of his front pocket
  • 1973: After Yankee Fritz Peterson swaps his wife, two kids and poodle for Mike Kekich's wife, two kids, and terrier, the lefthander is reportedly very upset that his dog's vagina is completely stretched out
  • 1996: In his book "Bad As I Want To Be," Dennis Rodman explicitly explains why he doesn't think he'll ever be able to get that cock ring back from Madonna
  • 2003: After being accused of sexually assaulting a 19-year-old hotel worker, Kobe Bryant loses endorsements for KY-Jelly, Trojan Condoms, and Nutella
  • 2005: Although the Vikings rented a boat and brought in prostitutes from out of state to relax, quarterback Daunte Culpepper becomes completely unhinged after realizing he's been fisting Bryant McKinnie
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