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Athletes And Sexual Misadventure

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Athletes And Sexual Misadventure

Tiger Woods' public apology for serial philandering reminds us how athletes have always found sex as problematic as it is easy for them to get.

  • 776 BC: The ancient Greeks hold the two-week fuckfest that would eventually come to be known as the Olympics
  • 1949: Golfer and all-around athlete Babe Didrickson finds a way to get no less than nine hard cocks inside her at once
  • 1950: Wilt Chamberlain loses his virginity and figures he'd like to try that again some time
  • 1952: First recorded instance of a youth soccer player being asked to help get coach's whistle out of his front pocket
  • 1973: After Yankee Fritz Peterson swaps his wife, two kids and poodle for Mike Kekich's wife, two kids, and terrier, the lefthander is reportedly very upset that his dog's vagina is completely stretched out
  • 1996: In his book "Bad As I Want To Be," Dennis Rodman explicitly explains why he doesn't think he'll ever be able to get that cock ring back from Madonna
  • 2003: After being accused of sexually assaulting a 19-year-old hotel worker, Kobe Bryant loses endorsements for KY-Jelly, Trojan Condoms, and Nutella
  • 2005: Although the Vikings rented a boat and brought in prostitutes from out of state to relax, quarterback Daunte Culpepper becomes completely unhinged after realizing he's been fisting Bryant McKinnie

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