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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Athletes And Sexual Misadventure

Tiger Woods' public apology for serial philandering reminds us how athletes have always found sex as problematic as it is easy for them to get.

  • 776 BC: The ancient Greeks hold the two-week fuckfest that would eventually come to be known as the Olympics
  • 1949: Golfer and all-around athlete Babe Didrickson finds a way to get no less than nine hard cocks inside her at once
  • 1950: Wilt Chamberlain loses his virginity and figures he'd like to try that again some time
  • 1952: First recorded instance of a youth soccer player being asked to help get coach's whistle out of his front pocket
  • 1973: After Yankee Fritz Peterson swaps his wife, two kids and poodle for Mike Kekich's wife, two kids, and terrier, the lefthander is reportedly very upset that his dog's vagina is completely stretched out
  • 1996: In his book "Bad As I Want To Be," Dennis Rodman explicitly explains why he doesn't think he'll ever be able to get that cock ring back from Madonna
  • 2003: After being accused of sexually assaulting a 19-year-old hotel worker, Kobe Bryant loses endorsements for KY-Jelly, Trojan Condoms, and Nutella
  • 2005: Although the Vikings rented a boat and brought in prostitutes from out of state to relax, quarterback Daunte Culpepper becomes completely unhinged after realizing he's been fisting Bryant McKinnie

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