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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Athletes Excelling Past Their Prime

With Brett Favre leading the Vikings to victory and achieving a career-best 5-0 start the day after his 40th birthday, Onion Sports examines other athletes who successfully overcame their advancement in years.

  • 1986: World champion "dartist" Henry Warren wins his 50th consecutive title, well past the age at which he should be able to throw a thing at a wall
  • 1995: Though many said his best years were behind him, Nolan Ryan goes on to make one pretty fucking incredible Advil commercial
  • 1996: Laughed at by her competitors and ridiculed by her own teammates, Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller is able to win the gold medal on the balance beam at the ripe old age of 19
  • 2002: Patrick Ewing was only 40 when he retired? Jesus Christ, he looked like he was at least 60
  • 2004: Sam Snead wins the Senior PGA Championship at the age of 91, two full years after his death
  • 2007: Robert Horry hits a shot in the playoffs, someone notices that he's almost 37, makes a big deal about it
  • 2008: Though Dikembe Mutombo can't wag his finger as fast as he used to, he makes up for that by not blocking as many shots
  • 2009: 74-year-old Vladimir Guerrero gets a game-winning hit in the ALDS

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