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Athletes Excelling Past Their Prime

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Athletes Excelling Past Their Prime

With Brett Favre leading the Vikings to victory and achieving a career-best 5-0 start the day after his 40th birthday, Onion Sports examines other athletes who successfully overcame their advancement in years.

  • 1986: World champion "dartist" Henry Warren wins his 50th consecutive title, well past the age at which he should be able to throw a thing at a wall
  • 1995: Though many said his best years were behind him, Nolan Ryan goes on to make one pretty fucking incredible Advil commercial
  • 1996: Laughed at by her competitors and ridiculed by her own teammates, Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller is able to win the gold medal on the balance beam at the ripe old age of 19
  • 2002: Patrick Ewing was only 40 when he retired? Jesus Christ, he looked like he was at least 60
  • 2004: Sam Snead wins the Senior PGA Championship at the age of 91, two full years after his death
  • 2007: Robert Horry hits a shot in the playoffs, someone notices that he's almost 37, makes a big deal about it
  • 2008: Though Dikembe Mutombo can't wag his finger as fast as he used to, he makes up for that by not blocking as many shots
  • 2009: 74-year-old Vladimir Guerrero gets a game-winning hit in the ALDS

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