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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Athletes Excelling Past Their Prime

With Brett Favre leading the Vikings to victory and achieving a career-best 5-0 start the day after his 40th birthday, Onion Sports examines other athletes who successfully overcame their advancement in years.

  • 1986: World champion "dartist" Henry Warren wins his 50th consecutive title, well past the age at which he should be able to throw a thing at a wall
  • 1995: Though many said his best years were behind him, Nolan Ryan goes on to make one pretty fucking incredible Advil commercial
  • 1996: Laughed at by her competitors and ridiculed by her own teammates, Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller is able to win the gold medal on the balance beam at the ripe old age of 19
  • 2002: Patrick Ewing was only 40 when he retired? Jesus Christ, he looked like he was at least 60
  • 2004: Sam Snead wins the Senior PGA Championship at the age of 91, two full years after his death
  • 2007: Robert Horry hits a shot in the playoffs, someone notices that he's almost 37, makes a big deal about it
  • 2008: Though Dikembe Mutombo can't wag his finger as fast as he used to, he makes up for that by not blocking as many shots
  • 2009: 74-year-old Vladimir Guerrero gets a game-winning hit in the ALDS

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