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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Athletes In Politics

Every now and then, someone from the world of sports decides his experience will translate to the political arena. Here’s how that has worked out so far:

  • Richard Petty: Lost his bid to be North Carolina’s secretary of state, but not before his campaign skidded out of control and exploded, killing two other candidates
  • Gerald Ford: Sort of fell into both starting at linebacker for Michigan and becoming the president of the United States
  • Jim Bunning: Deceptively mediocre pitching paved way for conspicuously bad senatoring
  • Ichiro Suzuki: Has quietly been doing a really solid job as governor of Washington for the past 10 years
  • Jack Kemp: With the vice presidency all but secured, the former Buffalo Bill made the mistake of bringing Scott Norwood on to help his campaign in the final days
  • Jesse Ventura: Although many would argue he hardly qualifies as a real athlete, many would also argue he hardly qualifies as a real politician
  • Ronald Reagan: His many detractors maintain that history has been too generous to his legacy as a football player at Eureka fucking College

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