Athletes In Politics

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Vol 47 Issue 19

Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill...

Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week.

Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Athletes In Politics

Every now and then, someone from the world of sports decides his experience will translate to the political arena. Here’s how that has worked out so far:

  • Richard Petty: Lost his bid to be North Carolina’s secretary of state, but not before his campaign skidded out of control and exploded, killing two other candidates
  • Gerald Ford: Sort of fell into both starting at linebacker for Michigan and becoming the president of the United States
  • Jim Bunning: Deceptively mediocre pitching paved way for conspicuously bad senatoring
  • Ichiro Suzuki: Has quietly been doing a really solid job as governor of Washington for the past 10 years
  • Jack Kemp: With the vice presidency all but secured, the former Buffalo Bill made the mistake of bringing Scott Norwood on to help his campaign in the final days
  • Jesse Ventura: Although many would argue he hardly qualifies as a real athlete, many would also argue he hardly qualifies as a real politician
  • Ronald Reagan: His many detractors maintain that history has been too generous to his legacy as a football player at Eureka fucking College
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