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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Atlantic City Is Dying

Though it became a destination after voting to legalize gambling in 1976, Atlantic City now faces competition from casinos in Delaware and Pennsylvania, and next year it may drop to third place in gambling revenue. Here's how the ailing city can boost tourism:

  • Build replicas of Las Vegas replicas
  • As always, some Pinkberrys, a flagship Niketown store, and some crazy-shaped things attached to the lampposts should do the job
  • Rebrand blackjack tables as "All-You-Can-Play" blackjack tables
  • Clean up water pollution to help restore natural population of mermaids
  • In every guest's room, shrimp cocktail on the pillow instead of a mint
  • Allow each visitor to pry up one plank of the boardwalk and keep whatever is underneath
  • Find things other than gambling to legalize, like a dangerous variation on tennis
  • Ladies like buying things; add places where that can happen

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