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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Atlantic City Is Dying

Though it became a destination after voting to legalize gambling in 1976, Atlantic City now faces competition from casinos in Delaware and Pennsylvania, and next year it may drop to third place in gambling revenue. Here's how the ailing city can boost tourism:

  • Build replicas of Las Vegas replicas
  • As always, some Pinkberrys, a flagship Niketown store, and some crazy-shaped things attached to the lampposts should do the job
  • Rebrand blackjack tables as "All-You-Can-Play" blackjack tables
  • Clean up water pollution to help restore natural population of mermaids
  • In every guest's room, shrimp cocktail on the pillow instead of a mint
  • Allow each visitor to pry up one plank of the boardwalk and keep whatever is underneath
  • Find things other than gambling to legalize, like a dangerous variation on tennis
  • Ladies like buying things; add places where that can happen
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