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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Atlantic City Is Dying

Though it became a destination after voting to legalize gambling in 1976, Atlantic City now faces competition from casinos in Delaware and Pennsylvania, and next year it may drop to third place in gambling revenue. Here's how the ailing city can boost tourism:

  • Build replicas of Las Vegas replicas
  • As always, some Pinkberrys, a flagship Niketown store, and some crazy-shaped things attached to the lampposts should do the job
  • Rebrand blackjack tables as "All-You-Can-Play" blackjack tables
  • Clean up water pollution to help restore natural population of mermaids
  • In every guest's room, shrimp cocktail on the pillow instead of a mint
  • Allow each visitor to pry up one plank of the boardwalk and keep whatever is underneath
  • Find things other than gambling to legalize, like a dangerous variation on tennis
  • Ladies like buying things; add places where that can happen

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