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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Attorney General Under Scrutiny

Lawmakers have raised questions about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' recent testimony to Congress, demanding a perjury investigation. Which of his statements are under scrutiny?

"I received my law degree from an accredited institution and not over the Internet at a cost of 14 dollars"

His argument that the Jimmy Farrar–fronted Molly Hatchet albums are, legally speaking, far superior to the Danny Joe Brown albums

Repeated claim that, according to the U.S. Constitution, the Attorney General is allowed 34 lies a year

Saying that his old '96 Corolla had a brand new water pump and had suffered only minor body damage

Maintaining that he gets the Antonio Banderas comparison all the time

Contending that none of the fired attorneys wanted to work at the Justice Department anyway

"This is getting blown way out of proportion"

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