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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Attorney General Under Scrutiny

Lawmakers have raised questions about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' recent testimony to Congress, demanding a perjury investigation. Which of his statements are under scrutiny?

"I received my law degree from an accredited institution and not over the Internet at a cost of 14 dollars"

His argument that the Jimmy Farrar–fronted Molly Hatchet albums are, legally speaking, far superior to the Danny Joe Brown albums

Repeated claim that, according to the U.S. Constitution, the Attorney General is allowed 34 lies a year

Saying that his old '96 Corolla had a brand new water pump and had suffered only minor body damage

Maintaining that he gets the Antonio Banderas comparison all the time

Contending that none of the fired attorneys wanted to work at the Justice Department anyway

"This is getting blown way out of proportion"

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