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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Augusta National's Social Progress

Augusta National Golf Club finally extended membership to women on Aug. 20, 2012, admitting Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore. Onion Sports takes a look at the club’s 80-year history of enlightenment and tolerance.

  • 1935: Unknowingly admits first gay member
  • 1940: Permits wives of members to sniff grass on shoes of male members after they leave the premises
  • 1964: Lynching tree removed
  • 1975: Begins paying black employees
  • 1983: Players are no longer required to use Augusta’s all-black club caddies at the Masters, though white caddies still must dance and play the jug in between holes
  • 1987: Official handicap parking sign installed, replacing previous one that just made a lot of fun of disabled people
  • 1990: Ron Townsend becomes the first black member of Augusta after assuring the governing board that he is rich, unpleasant, and disparaging toward women
  • 1997: Tiger Woods breaks down Augusta’s racial barriers by becoming the first Thai man to win the Masters
  • 2012: Extends invitations to two women for the first time in its history, a testament to the notion that the club’s attitudes have progressed into last century

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