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Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Auto Industry Crisis

The big three American automobile manufacturers spent much of last week lobbying Congress for a portion of the economic bailout, lest they go under. How did they get to this point?

1970: United Auto Workers fights for and wins 12 paid hangover days a year for its members

1977: Inspired by the hit motion picture The Spy Who Loved Me, Chrysler wastes four years trying to manufacture a car that turns into a submarine

1985: Ford spends the majority of its R & D budget designing sweet new "Chevy Sucks" decals

1991: Sales of the Pontiac Trans Am plunge after the car officially loses its pussy magnet designation

1997: Having meticulously crafted the 1998 Dodge Dakota to boast best-in-class payload and towing capacity, Chrysler decides to rest on its laurels for the next decade

1999: Chevrolet is sued for millions after it is discovered there is already a song named "Like a Rock" with the exact same lyrics and melody

2000: GM unveils the Buick Carbon, America's first mass-produced gas-coal hybrid vehicle

2001: At the Los Angeles Auto Show, GM introduces the Pontiac Aztek to raucous laughter, then stunned silence, then blood curdling screams of horror

2006: Oprah says her new favorite thing is non-American cars

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