Back-To-School Necessities

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Vol 46 Issue 37

Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College

PHILADELPHIA—Whether it be a top rookie from last year's draft or an obscure offensive lineman who has been in the league for 14 years, SRS Consulting's Ryan Janis seems to know where every NFL player went to college, his coworkers confirmed Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Back-To-School Necessities

No matter what your level of education, the first day of school arrives with anxiety about the things you forgot to bring. Here's a comprehensive checklist of items you'll need for the academic year.

Grade School:

  • Oversized novelty pencil from theme park other kids too poor to visit
  • Cheaper version of the must-have shoe that turns out to be worse decision than having no shoes at all
  • Protractor and ruler, because you'd be a sap to go trusting the measurements in the textbook
  • Knee-length britches, open-necked blouse, and a pocket watch

Middle School:

  • Breasts
  • A note from a doctor in case they're serious about the "showering after gym" business
  • Axe body spray, because you want to get some over-the-bra groping action, don't you?

High School:

  • An outfit that clearly identifies you as a brain, athlete, basket case, princess, or criminal
  • A pack of Camel Filters, a well-worn copy of No Exit, and lunch money
  • Graphing calculator to provide something to look quickly down at when Kori Prescott catches you staring

College:

  • Dog-eared copy of The Bell Jar solidifying you as a mysterious intellectual to steer clear of at all costs.
  • Self-selected nickname passed off as nickname from old school
  • A bedspread bought from Target that is too colorful and clashes with most everything else
  • $34,000 of your parents' money
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