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Back-To-School Necessities

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Back-To-School Necessities

No matter what your level of education, the first day of school arrives with anxiety about the things you forgot to bring. Here's a comprehensive checklist of items you'll need for the academic year.

Grade School:

  • Oversized novelty pencil from theme park other kids too poor to visit
  • Cheaper version of the must-have shoe that turns out to be worse decision than having no shoes at all
  • Protractor and ruler, because you'd be a sap to go trusting the measurements in the textbook
  • Knee-length britches, open-necked blouse, and a pocket watch

Middle School:

  • Breasts
  • A note from a doctor in case they're serious about the "showering after gym" business
  • Axe body spray, because you want to get some over-the-bra groping action, don't you?

High School:

  • An outfit that clearly identifies you as a brain, athlete, basket case, princess, or criminal
  • A pack of Camel Filters, a well-worn copy of No Exit, and lunch money
  • Graphing calculator to provide something to look quickly down at when Kori Prescott catches you staring

College:

  • Dog-eared copy of The Bell Jar solidifying you as a mysterious intellectual to steer clear of at all costs.
  • Self-selected nickname passed off as nickname from old school
  • A bedspread bought from Target that is too colorful and clashes with most everything else
  • $34,000 of your parents' money

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