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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Back-To-School Necessities

No matter what your level of education, the first day of school arrives with anxiety about the things you forgot to bring. Here's a comprehensive checklist of items you'll need for the academic year.

Grade School:

  • Oversized novelty pencil from theme park other kids too poor to visit
  • Cheaper version of the must-have shoe that turns out to be worse decision than having no shoes at all
  • Protractor and ruler, because you'd be a sap to go trusting the measurements in the textbook
  • Knee-length britches, open-necked blouse, and a pocket watch

Middle School:

  • Breasts
  • A note from a doctor in case they're serious about the "showering after gym" business
  • Axe body spray, because you want to get some over-the-bra groping action, don't you?

High School:

  • An outfit that clearly identifies you as a brain, athlete, basket case, princess, or criminal
  • A pack of Camel Filters, a well-worn copy of No Exit, and lunch money
  • Graphing calculator to provide something to look quickly down at when Kori Prescott catches you staring

College:

  • Dog-eared copy of The Bell Jar solidifying you as a mysterious intellectual to steer clear of at all costs.
  • Self-selected nickname passed off as nickname from old school
  • A bedspread bought from Target that is too colorful and clashes with most everything else
  • $34,000 of your parents' money

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