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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Back-To-School Necessities

No matter what your level of education, the first day of school arrives with anxiety about the things you forgot to bring. Here's a comprehensive checklist of items you'll need for the academic year.

Grade School:

  • Oversized novelty pencil from theme park other kids too poor to visit
  • Cheaper version of the must-have shoe that turns out to be worse decision than having no shoes at all
  • Protractor and ruler, because you'd be a sap to go trusting the measurements in the textbook
  • Knee-length britches, open-necked blouse, and a pocket watch

Middle School:

  • Breasts
  • A note from a doctor in case they're serious about the "showering after gym" business
  • Axe body spray, because you want to get some over-the-bra groping action, don't you?

High School:

  • An outfit that clearly identifies you as a brain, athlete, basket case, princess, or criminal
  • A pack of Camel Filters, a well-worn copy of No Exit, and lunch money
  • Graphing calculator to provide something to look quickly down at when Kori Prescott catches you staring

College:

  • Dog-eared copy of The Bell Jar solidifying you as a mysterious intellectual to steer clear of at all costs.
  • Self-selected nickname passed off as nickname from old school
  • A bedspread bought from Target that is too colorful and clashes with most everything else
  • $34,000 of your parents' money

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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