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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Back-To-School Necessities

No matter what your level of education, the first day of school arrives with anxiety about the things you forgot to bring. Here's a comprehensive checklist of items you'll need for the academic year.

Grade School:

  • Oversized novelty pencil from theme park other kids too poor to visit
  • Cheaper version of the must-have shoe that turns out to be worse decision than having no shoes at all
  • Protractor and ruler, because you'd be a sap to go trusting the measurements in the textbook
  • Knee-length britches, open-necked blouse, and a pocket watch

Middle School:

  • Breasts
  • A note from a doctor in case they're serious about the "showering after gym" business
  • Axe body spray, because you want to get some over-the-bra groping action, don't you?

High School:

  • An outfit that clearly identifies you as a brain, athlete, basket case, princess, or criminal
  • A pack of Camel Filters, a well-worn copy of No Exit, and lunch money
  • Graphing calculator to provide something to look quickly down at when Kori Prescott catches you staring

College:

  • Dog-eared copy of The Bell Jar solidifying you as a mysterious intellectual to steer clear of at all costs.
  • Self-selected nickname passed off as nickname from old school
  • A bedspread bought from Target that is too colorful and clashes with most everything else
  • $34,000 of your parents' money
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