Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

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After Birth

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed. Here are some tips for parents to help their kids prepare for going back to school:

  • Calmly explain to your child that those summertime days of eating peanuts with reckless abandon are officially over
  • Prepare a study area in a quiet part of the house where you can complete your child’s homework without any distractions
  • Children who eat healthy, balanced breakfasts tend to do better in school. Find out which kids do that, and instruct your children to cheat off them
  • Listen to your children’s feelings about returning to school before telling them the right ones to have
  • Take a tour of the school to get a feel for the place and realize how easily it’d be for some strange adult to just wander around your child like that
  • Train your child for the classroom by crating them seven hours a day
  • Purchase only no-name and off-brand clothes for your children to ensure that they are viewed as shrewd and individualistic by their peers
  • Make sure your child’s typewriter has plenty of paper and a fresh ink ribbon
  • Mark your calendar with orchestra concerts and science fairs so you can schedule work conflicts ahead of time
  • Get your child excited about spending time at school by escalating the viciousness of your fights with your spouse at home
  • Rehearse your child’s family vacation story thoroughly so no one knows about the 12 straight weeks of iPad
  • Send your kid to private school, if we’re being real here
  • Make sure that education is a top priority for your family by having a flexible white-collar job that allows you to help your child with homework

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