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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Barry Bonds' Job Prospects

The Giants let Barry Bonds go after last season, and the home-run record holder is still on the free-agent market. Onion Sports lists the most likely places for Bonds to end up:

Expos: Signing Bonds might be their last chance to get back into the MLB

Mariners: Team in dire need of someone who can do that thing where they take a bat and then make the ball go really far away

Phillies: In need of a player to be in pictures while standing back-to-back with Ryan Howard

Tigers: Lineup has a hole between the third and fourth batters

Rangers: Always looking for pitching—any pitching, from anyone

Diamondbacks: Young team needs someone over 40 to keep Randy Johnson company

Barnum & Bailey Circus: People would pay good money to watch Bonds try to hit a baseball thrown by an elephant

Giants: Desperately need a hitter like Barry Bonds following the departure of Barry Bonds

Reds: Have a bunch of size 11Ω caps that are basically going to waste

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