Baseball’s Annual Awards: 2011 Edition

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Baseball’s Annual Awards: 2011 Edition

It's that time of year again when baseball gears up to honor its best players, pitchers, managers, and rookies. Here's how Onion Sports sees it:

  • NL MVP: Justin Upton—Leads Diamondbacks in every offensive category, which sounds unimpressive, but they are in first place in the NL West, which also sounds unimpressive
  • AL MVP: Curtis Granderson—With his impressive run production numbers, Granderson has kept a team with only a handful of All-Stars and future Hall of Famers afloat in the AL East
  • NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay—Much easier to just add a year to the plaque he received last year than go through all the trouble of preparing a new plaque for someone else
  • AL Cy Young: Adam Dunn—Dunn's historic performance this season did more for American League pitching than anyone who actually took the mound
  • NL Rookie of the Year: Vance Worley—Phillies pitcher really made name for himself this year as the guy who's pitching for some reason instead of Lee, Halladay, Hamels, or Oswalt
  • AL Rookie of the Year: Neftali Feliz—Has done a great job defending his 2010 title
  • NL Manager of the Year: Kirk Gibson—Made a young Arizona team relevant to a nation that doesn't care about youth, Arizona, or teamwork
  • AL Manager of the Year: Joe Girardi—His team has the best record, therefore he is the best manager. Why do people need to vote on this again?


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