adBlockCheck

Sports

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves

With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves.

  • Arizona Diamondbacks: Managed to trade their most valuable assets for minimal returns, making this one of their best offseasons ever
  • Los Angeles Angels: Signed Josh Hamilton knowing he’d feel right at home in L.A. amongst the millions of other recovering cocaine addicts
  • Cleveland Indians: After being assured they’d keep the announcement out of the press, Nick Swisher reluctantly signed a lucrative contract with the Indians
  • Atlanta Braves: B.J. Upton signed with the Braves, where he’ll combine forces with his brother to give sportswriters an easy feature piece whenever they’re out of ideas
  • Miami Marlins: By trading away all of their players, finally able to devote the necessary attention to that giant dumb fountain
  • Pittsburgh Pirates: Signed three highly rated prospects, who will soon be traded for five other highly rated prospects, each of whom will in turn be traded for two highly rated prospects
  • New York Yankees: Spent $12 million to acquire services of former Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis in hopes that he can keep up 60 RBI, .235 batting average pace set in 2012
  • Chicago Cubs: Signed right-handers Kyuji Fujikawa and Scott Feldman to address their glaring bullpen issues, leaving them now only needing to address their glaring batting issues, fielding issues, and management issues
  • Toronto Blue Jays: Signed one fucking pitch from the Mets for $25 million

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close