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Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves

With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves.

  • Arizona Diamondbacks: Managed to trade their most valuable assets for minimal returns, making this one of their best offseasons ever
  • Los Angeles Angels: Signed Josh Hamilton knowing he’d feel right at home in L.A. amongst the millions of other recovering cocaine addicts
  • Cleveland Indians: After being assured they’d keep the announcement out of the press, Nick Swisher reluctantly signed a lucrative contract with the Indians
  • Atlanta Braves: B.J. Upton signed with the Braves, where he’ll combine forces with his brother to give sportswriters an easy feature piece whenever they’re out of ideas
  • Miami Marlins: By trading away all of their players, finally able to devote the necessary attention to that giant dumb fountain
  • Pittsburgh Pirates: Signed three highly rated prospects, who will soon be traded for five other highly rated prospects, each of whom will in turn be traded for two highly rated prospects
  • New York Yankees: Spent $12 million to acquire services of former Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis in hopes that he can keep up 60 RBI, .235 batting average pace set in 2012
  • Chicago Cubs: Signed right-handers Kyuji Fujikawa and Scott Feldman to address their glaring bullpen issues, leaving them now only needing to address their glaring batting issues, fielding issues, and management issues
  • Toronto Blue Jays: Signed one fucking pitch from the Mets for $25 million

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