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Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves

With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves.

  • Arizona Diamondbacks: Managed to trade their most valuable assets for minimal returns, making this one of their best offseasons ever
  • Los Angeles Angels: Signed Josh Hamilton knowing he’d feel right at home in L.A. amongst the millions of other recovering cocaine addicts
  • Cleveland Indians: After being assured they’d keep the announcement out of the press, Nick Swisher reluctantly signed a lucrative contract with the Indians
  • Atlanta Braves: B.J. Upton signed with the Braves, where he’ll combine forces with his brother to give sportswriters an easy feature piece whenever they’re out of ideas
  • Miami Marlins: By trading away all of their players, finally able to devote the necessary attention to that giant dumb fountain
  • Pittsburgh Pirates: Signed three highly rated prospects, who will soon be traded for five other highly rated prospects, each of whom will in turn be traded for two highly rated prospects
  • New York Yankees: Spent $12 million to acquire services of former Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis in hopes that he can keep up 60 RBI, .235 batting average pace set in 2012
  • Chicago Cubs: Signed right-handers Kyuji Fujikawa and Scott Feldman to address their glaring bullpen issues, leaving them now only needing to address their glaring batting issues, fielding issues, and management issues
  • Toronto Blue Jays: Signed one fucking pitch from the Mets for $25 million

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