adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves

With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves.

  • Arizona Diamondbacks: Managed to trade their most valuable assets for minimal returns, making this one of their best offseasons ever
  • Los Angeles Angels: Signed Josh Hamilton knowing he’d feel right at home in L.A. amongst the millions of other recovering cocaine addicts
  • Cleveland Indians: After being assured they’d keep the announcement out of the press, Nick Swisher reluctantly signed a lucrative contract with the Indians
  • Atlanta Braves: B.J. Upton signed with the Braves, where he’ll combine forces with his brother to give sportswriters an easy feature piece whenever they’re out of ideas
  • Miami Marlins: By trading away all of their players, finally able to devote the necessary attention to that giant dumb fountain
  • Pittsburgh Pirates: Signed three highly rated prospects, who will soon be traded for five other highly rated prospects, each of whom will in turn be traded for two highly rated prospects
  • New York Yankees: Spent $12 million to acquire services of former Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis in hopes that he can keep up 60 RBI, .235 batting average pace set in 2012
  • Chicago Cubs: Signed right-handers Kyuji Fujikawa and Scott Feldman to address their glaring bullpen issues, leaving them now only needing to address their glaring batting issues, fielding issues, and management issues
  • Toronto Blue Jays: Signed one fucking pitch from the Mets for $25 million

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close