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Tips

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Beach Safety Tips

The return of warm temperatures and summer sun means many families and friends are hitting the beach to swim, sunbathe, and relax. Here are some tips for making sure you and your loved ones stay safe at the beach:

  • As soon as you arrive at the beach, be sure to tip your lifeguard so he knows who to keep an eye on.
  • Crowded beaches can be a hot spot for thieves. If you must leave your valuables unattended, keep them safe by burying them at least 15 feet under the sand and parking your car over the hole.
  • When swimming in a strong current, keep an eye on your family’s umbrella so you know whom to wave goodbye to as you are carried out to sea.
  • If you begin drowning, perform the universal distress signal: clap, clap, hand twirl (counterclockwise), head pat, snap (left hand), snap (right hand).
  • Avoid wind erosion by staying at the beach no longer than 500 years.
  • Sharks have been known to swim close to shorelines in search of prey. Throw raw meat into the water cavalierly to let them know you’re not afraid.
  • Nothing ruins a trip to the beach like a jellyfish sting. Build up a tolerance by soaking in a bath of jellyfish every night for five or six weeks prior to your trip.
  • If your foot touches a piece of seaweed, shriek as loud as you can until help arrives.
  • Whatever you do, DO NOT get sand in Dad’s car. Shake out your towels on the parking lot and wash your feet off with a water bottle if you have to, but DO NOT—I repeat—DO NOT get sand in between the seats. Dad works hard to keep this car clean and he’s not going to let it get all dirty with sand.

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