Beach Safety Tips

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Beach Safety Tips

The return of warm temperatures and summer sun means many families and friends are hitting the beach to swim, sunbathe, and relax. Here are some tips for making sure you and your loved ones stay safe at the beach:

  • As soon as you arrive at the beach, be sure to tip your lifeguard so he knows who to keep an eye on.
  • Crowded beaches can be a hot spot for thieves. If you must leave your valuables unattended, keep them safe by burying them at least 15 feet under the sand and parking your car over the hole.
  • When swimming in a strong current, keep an eye on your family’s umbrella so you know whom to wave goodbye to as you are carried out to sea.
  • If you begin drowning, perform the universal distress signal: clap, clap, hand twirl (counterclockwise), head pat, snap (left hand), snap (right hand).
  • Avoid wind erosion by staying at the beach no longer than 500 years.
  • Sharks have been known to swim close to shorelines in search of prey. Throw raw meat into the water cavalierly to let them know you’re not afraid.
  • Nothing ruins a trip to the beach like a jellyfish sting. Build up a tolerance by soaking in a bath of jellyfish every night for five or six weeks prior to your trip.
  • If your foot touches a piece of seaweed, shriek as loud as you can until help arrives.
  • Whatever you do, DO NOT get sand in Dad’s car. Shake out your towels on the parking lot and wash your feet off with a water bottle if you have to, but DO NOT—I repeat—DO NOT get sand in between the seats. Dad works hard to keep this car clean and he’s not going to let it get all dirty with sand.