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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Beastie Boys Release New Album

The Beastie Boys have released a new album, Hot Sauce Committee Part Two, the hip-hop trio's eighth in 25 years. Here are some of the highlights from the group's career:

  • 1979: Mike D's mom throws away his best porno mag, resulting in years of psychotherapy
  • 1983: The group crank calls Carvel Ice Cream headquarters and is caught off guard when Cooky Puss is put on the phone as requested
  • 1987: The music video for "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)" first airs on MTV, forever altering the way rap music is collectively screamed into landline telephones
  • 1989: Jesus Christ, Paul's Boutique came out 22 years ago? Jesus Christ
  • 1994: Michael "Mike D" Diamond's parents discover an Ill Communication CD in the family car and are very disappointed to learn that their son is a multiplatinum-selling hip-hop artist
  • 2004–2005: MCA enters a deep, unwavering Buddhist meditative state in which he generates every known rhyme for the word "ill"
  • 2007: Midnight release of The Mix-Up is canceled when it's revealed the Beasties and their legion of fans all have to get up early the next morning to drive their kids to middle school
  • 2009: Adam Yauch announces that he is undergoing treatment for cancer, with a special guest appearance by Biz Markie
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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