Beastie Boys Release New Album

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Vol 47 Issue 18

Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance

SAN FRANCISCO—The motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy.

U.S. Sets Tornado Record

The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Beastie Boys Release New Album

The Beastie Boys have released a new album, Hot Sauce Committee Part Two, the hip-hop trio's eighth in 25 years. Here are some of the highlights from the group's career:

  • 1979: Mike D's mom throws away his best porno mag, resulting in years of psychotherapy
  • 1983: The group crank calls Carvel Ice Cream headquarters and is caught off guard when Cooky Puss is put on the phone as requested
  • 1987: The music video for "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)" first airs on MTV, forever altering the way rap music is collectively screamed into landline telephones
  • 1989: Jesus Christ, Paul's Boutique came out 22 years ago? Jesus Christ
  • 1994: Michael "Mike D" Diamond's parents discover an Ill Communication CD in the family car and are very disappointed to learn that their son is a multiplatinum-selling hip-hop artist
  • 2004–2005: MCA enters a deep, unwavering Buddhist meditative state in which he generates every known rhyme for the word "ill"
  • 2007: Midnight release of The Mix-Up is canceled when it's revealed the Beasties and their legion of fans all have to get up early the next morning to drive their kids to middle school
  • 2009: Adam Yauch announces that he is undergoing treatment for cancer, with a special guest appearance by Biz Markie
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