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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Beijing's Looming Olympic Crisis

With scant months before the XXIX Olympiad is scheduled to open, serious questions still remain about Beijing's readiness to safely and efficiently host the Games. Onion Sports outlines the most crucial problems:

City's traffic crisis may delay some athletes' arrivals until 2011

Oops, no water for anyone

Due to high levels of air pollution, there is a possibility the Olympic torch may set atmosphere on fire

Bars in pole-vaulting competition will be replaced with 10-foot-high piles of people

Questions have been raised by new "Working In Assembly Line For 14 Hours A Day" competition

Country apparently only had one wall in it; was built years ago

Chinese just assumed that all swimming events would be held in the ocean

Official emblem of the games melted or something

Cutbacks will force water polo, basketball, shot put to share same arena at same time

Giant mutant bird using Beijing National Stadium as nest

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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