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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Beijing's Looming Olympic Crisis

With scant months before the XXIX Olympiad is scheduled to open, serious questions still remain about Beijing's readiness to safely and efficiently host the Games. Onion Sports outlines the most crucial problems:

City's traffic crisis may delay some athletes' arrivals until 2011

Oops, no water for anyone

Due to high levels of air pollution, there is a possibility the Olympic torch may set atmosphere on fire

Bars in pole-vaulting competition will be replaced with 10-foot-high piles of people

Questions have been raised by new "Working In Assembly Line For 14 Hours A Day" competition

Country apparently only had one wall in it; was built years ago

Chinese just assumed that all swimming events would be held in the ocean

Official emblem of the games melted or something

Cutbacks will force water polo, basketball, shot put to share same arena at same time

Giant mutant bird using Beijing National Stadium as nest

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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