WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center, approximately 70 percent of public officials who endorse Donald Trump for president do so after staring at their bedroom ceiling for at least four hours.
WASHINGTON—Saying they vaguely remembered the presidential candidate making the statement in front of a large rally but that they might be mistaken, citizens across the country were reportedly unable to recall Tuesday if Donald Trump had promised to personally fund abortion clinic bombings or if that just sounded right.
Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
BROOKLYN, NY—Shaking violently as she fought to slowly lift the 225-pound load, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly set a new personal single rep squat record Friday while watching Bernie Sanders speak about the upcoming California primary on her gym’s television.
WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of the barrage of daily spectacles they would soon be subjected to, citizens across the nation reported Friday they were dreading having to spend the next half year watching presidential candidates attempt to relate to them.
SAN DIEGO—Leaning forward in his seat and pushing his face close to the window, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly whispered “Look at all the tiny houses” to himself as his private jet reached 10,000 feet during a flight to his next campaign event Wednesday.
NEW YORK—Retiring to his candlelit study with a hot mug of chamomile tea as he does every night, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly sat down beside a crackling fire Thursday with his quill and ink for a long evening of writing out tweets.
Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:
WASHINGTON—Saying he was already dealing with low energy and persistent hunger pangs, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday his rift with Donald Trump was not at all what he needed right in the middle of a 14-day cleanse.
WASHINGTON—Reflecting widespread dissatisfaction with the two major parties’ presumptive nominees for president, a Gallup poll released Monday found that a sizable segment of the U.S. electorate would strongly consider supporting an equally unlikable third-party candidate in the general election.
WASHINGTON—Having failed to prevent Donald Trump from securing their party’s presidential nomination despite a deliberate and concerted effort, members of the Republican establishment admitted being quietly relieved Thursday that the GOP was no longer their responsibility.
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Local Donald Trump supporter David Kearney informed reporters Thursday that, although his preferred candidate had already effectively secured the GOP nomination for president, he still planned on rioting at the Republican National Convention anyway.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that this wasn’t exactly what they had in mind, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday they were kind of hoping for a different outcome when so many concerned citizens came together to make their voices heard.
WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
HOUSTON—Gathering to celebrate a milestone that many throughout the country had long eagerly awaited, an estimated 150,000 cheering citizens packed into a public park in downtown Houston Wednesday night to hear Ted Cruz confirm his campaign for president of the United States was over, sources reported.
INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.
INDIANAPOLIS—Smiling as she greeted her husband’s new running mate onstage at a campaign rally Wednesday, Heidi Cruz is said to have drawn Carly Fiorina into a tight hug and whispered “Run! Run, and never look back!” into the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s ear.
INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to regain momentum after a disappointing showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced at a rally Wednesday that his choice for vice president would be this fuckin’ lady—remember her?
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Wednesday by analysts at the Pew Research Center, there are only 893,000 news articles, feature stories, and opinion pieces to go until the 2016 presidential election is behind us.
ALBANY, NY—Covering their ears as the thunderous sound violently shook buildings and shattered glass windows, New York residents reportedly cowered in shock and fear Tuesday night as Hillary Clinton’s primary election victory speech reverberated across the entire state.
‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff
DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.
NEW YORK—Saying the activity seemed like the perfect way to spend some free time while he was visiting Manhattan, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly asked a hansom cab driver in Central Park Tuesday how much it would cost to whip his horse for one hour.
NEW YORK—Explaining how she was originally shown the small, out-of-the-way establishment years ago by a well-connected friend, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly took her campaign staff to a little hole-in-the-wall financial institution in lower Manhattan Tuesday that she said not many people know about.
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that she once faced the same challenges and anxieties as so many of the city’s residents, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reminded voters at a campaign rally Monday that she too moved to New York hoping to make her career dreams come true, sources reported.
NEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight.
NEW YORK—Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported.