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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Best Debate Moments

The Republican presidential candidates have participated in 13 debates since last May, with each event seeming to have a different frontrunner. As the Iowa Caucus leads us into the primary season, here are some highlights from the verbal jousts:

  • Aug. 11: Tim Pawlenty throws his back out after 90 minutes of leaning from his podium to try to get his face on TV
  • Sept. 7: Mitt Romney objects to Jon Huntsman repeatedly referring to himself as the "good Mormon"
  • Sept. 12: Rick Perry accidentally winks at a sound guy
  • Sept. 22: A fumbling, mortified Mitt Romney finds himself at a loss when debate moderator Bret Baier asks the candidates one-by-one to pull out and describe their concealed firearms to the audience
  • Nov. 12: An aide to Rick Perry is positioned near the fire alarm should the governor again not be prepared to answer a question
  • Dec. 10: Mitt Romney comes off as out-of-touch with the common man after challenging Rick Perry to a bet of $10,000, a velvet satchel of loose gemstones, and a wastebasket made out of an albino elephant's foot
  • Dec. 15: Feeling secure with his increasing lead in the polls, Newt Gingrich attends the debate wearing only his boxers
  • Dec. 15: In spite of another strong debate performance, Ron Paul plunges in the polls as voters grow bored and tired of the congressman having constantly stuck by his principles and policy positions throughout the entire campaign

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