adBlockCheck

Sports

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Best MLB Stadiums

With opening day rapidly approaching, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the greatest ballparks in Major League Baseball.

  • PNC Park: With its picturesque skyline views and fan-friendly amenities, PNC Park would be a great place to watch any team other than the Pirates
  • Wrigley Field: The second-oldest major league baseball stadium has 41,000 seats that can fit roughly 18,000 Chicago Cubs fans
  • AT&T Park: Offers a thrilling activity in the bay just outside the stadium where kayakers fight to the death to please throngs of bloodthirsty onlookers
  • The Coliseum: Home of the Oakland A’s, it boasts all four bases, a pitcher’s mound, and an outfield
  • Minute Maid Park: While the retractable roof is impressive, the real gems of this park are the 1,086 black flags hanging from the rafters that commemorate every Astros loss since the park opened in 2000
  • Tropicana Field: Has over 40,000 great empty seats for every Rays game
  • Coors Field: Home runs abound in Denver where the air is thin and the outfield fence is 150 feet from home
  • Marlins Park: The beloved establishment recently installed a gigantic statue in center field of Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria flipping off all the fans while defecating on a miniature version of Miami
  • U.S. Cellular Field: Named in honor of beloved White Sox manager Upwood Sidney Cellular
  • Citizens Bank Park: Philadelphia’s downtown stadium offers fantastic sight lines, delicious local grub, and comfortable seats from which to scream racial epithets

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close