Best MLB Stadiums

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Best MLB Stadiums

With opening day rapidly approaching, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the greatest ballparks in Major League Baseball.

  • PNC Park: With its picturesque skyline views and fan-friendly amenities, PNC Park would be a great place to watch any team other than the Pirates
  • Wrigley Field: The second-oldest major league baseball stadium has 41,000 seats that can fit roughly 18,000 Chicago Cubs fans
  • AT&T Park: Offers a thrilling activity in the bay just outside the stadium where kayakers fight to the death to please throngs of bloodthirsty onlookers
  • The Coliseum: Home of the Oakland A’s, it boasts all four bases, a pitcher’s mound, and an outfield
  • Minute Maid Park: While the retractable roof is impressive, the real gems of this park are the 1,086 black flags hanging from the rafters that commemorate every Astros loss since the park opened in 2000
  • Tropicana Field: Has over 40,000 great empty seats for every Rays game
  • Coors Field: Home runs abound in Denver where the air is thin and the outfield fence is 150 feet from home
  • Marlins Park: The beloved establishment recently installed a gigantic statue in center field of Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria flipping off all the fans while defecating on a miniature version of Miami
  • U.S. Cellular Field: Named in honor of beloved White Sox manager Upwood Sidney Cellular
  • Citizens Bank Park: Philadelphia’s downtown stadium offers fantastic sight lines, delicious local grub, and comfortable seats from which to scream racial epithets


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