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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Best MLB Stadiums

With opening day rapidly approaching, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the greatest ballparks in Major League Baseball.

  • PNC Park: With its picturesque skyline views and fan-friendly amenities, PNC Park would be a great place to watch any team other than the Pirates
  • Wrigley Field: The second-oldest major league baseball stadium has 41,000 seats that can fit roughly 18,000 Chicago Cubs fans
  • AT&T Park: Offers a thrilling activity in the bay just outside the stadium where kayakers fight to the death to please throngs of bloodthirsty onlookers
  • The Coliseum: Home of the Oakland A’s, it boasts all four bases, a pitcher’s mound, and an outfield
  • Minute Maid Park: While the retractable roof is impressive, the real gems of this park are the 1,086 black flags hanging from the rafters that commemorate every Astros loss since the park opened in 2000
  • Tropicana Field: Has over 40,000 great empty seats for every Rays game
  • Coors Field: Home runs abound in Denver where the air is thin and the outfield fence is 150 feet from home
  • Marlins Park: The beloved establishment recently installed a gigantic statue in center field of Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria flipping off all the fans while defecating on a miniature version of Miami
  • U.S. Cellular Field: Named in honor of beloved White Sox manager Upwood Sidney Cellular
  • Citizens Bank Park: Philadelphia’s downtown stadium offers fantastic sight lines, delicious local grub, and comfortable seats from which to scream racial epithets

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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