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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Best Music Festivals Of Summer 2013

The summer music festival season is in full swing, with music fans gathering by the thousands at outdoor venues for a chance to see dozens of their favorite artists perform live. Here are some of the biggest music festivals of the summer:

  • UK Boglands 2013 Mudfest: Widely regarded as the world’s muddiest music festival, this year’s bands and concertgoers will gather in Scotland’s famed Muck Flats atop the submerged remains of last year’s bands and concertgoers
  • Bon Iver Playing Alone In An Empty Field: Fans are not allowed at this annual festival, as they would ruin the mood
  • Newport Folk Festival: Still shaken from the time Bob Dylan famously plugged in and played an electric set in 1963, this festival remains closed
  • The Students Of Mrs. Lee Summer Recital: Some 30,000 rowdy, college-aged attendees will congregate at Chambers Hall in Somerset, NJ to see how far each of Mrs. Lee’s piano students have come in the past year
  • Paulapalooza: Paul McCartney will not be in attendance, but Paula Cole is a “probably.” Paul Simon is a definite “no.” Paul Giamatti is not a musician but he said he’d come if Paul Shaffer came
  • Redwoods Treefest: Mumford and Sons will be playing somewhere in the forest, but the trees are so damn big, good luck finding them behind all their wide trunks
  • Ozfest: This non-music festival is certain to disappoint thousands of metal fans when they converge on rural Hoisington, KS for the small town’s annual parade and children’s costume contest honoring The Wizard Of Oz
  • Pitchfork Music Festival: As usual, fans will wait to cheer or pan a band’s performance until the set is complete and a large number ranging from 0.0 to 10.0 is displayed to the audience
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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