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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time.

  • Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and then start shadowboxing like idiots
  • Angels In The Outfield: Dead people fix baseball games
  • Bad News Bears: This critically acclaimed 2005 film breathed fresh life into the terrible 1976 original about a cantankerous little league coach that Walter Matthau really butchered
  • Big Fan: Examines the horrific, life-altering consequences of being a New York Giants fan
  • Chariots Of Fire: Easily one of the top three movies about marathon runners
  • Seabiscuit: Critics still laud Tobey Maguire for his commitment to gaining 30 pounds in order to play jockey Red Pollard
  • Space Jam: Michael Jordan, along with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, star in this film about an aging basketball player trying to appeal to a broader family audience while constantly cheating on his wife and blowing millions on gambling
  • Rudy: Sean Astin’s irritatingly earnest performance as Fighting Irish walk-on Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger serves as yet another argument for burning Notre Dame to cinders
  • 42: A biographical sports drama about baseball legend Jackie Robinson, who shattered barriers in the 1940s by becoming the first man to wear the number 42 in Major League Baseball

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