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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time.

  • Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and then start shadowboxing like idiots
  • Angels In The Outfield: Dead people fix baseball games
  • Bad News Bears: This critically acclaimed 2005 film breathed fresh life into the terrible 1976 original about a cantankerous little league coach that Walter Matthau really butchered
  • Big Fan: Examines the horrific, life-altering consequences of being a New York Giants fan
  • Chariots Of Fire: Easily one of the top three movies about marathon runners
  • Seabiscuit: Critics still laud Tobey Maguire for his commitment to gaining 30 pounds in order to play jockey Red Pollard
  • Space Jam: Michael Jordan, along with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, star in this film about an aging basketball player trying to appeal to a broader family audience while constantly cheating on his wife and blowing millions on gambling
  • Rudy: Sean Astin’s irritatingly earnest performance as Fighting Irish walk-on Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger serves as yet another argument for burning Notre Dame to cinders
  • 42: A biographical sports drama about baseball legend Jackie Robinson, who shattered barriers in the 1940s by becoming the first man to wear the number 42 in Major League Baseball

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