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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time.

  • Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and then start shadowboxing like idiots
  • Angels In The Outfield: Dead people fix baseball games
  • Bad News Bears: This critically acclaimed 2005 film breathed fresh life into the terrible 1976 original about a cantankerous little league coach that Walter Matthau really butchered
  • Big Fan: Examines the horrific, life-altering consequences of being a New York Giants fan
  • Chariots Of Fire: Easily one of the top three movies about marathon runners
  • Seabiscuit: Critics still laud Tobey Maguire for his commitment to gaining 30 pounds in order to play jockey Red Pollard
  • Space Jam: Michael Jordan, along with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, star in this film about an aging basketball player trying to appeal to a broader family audience while constantly cheating on his wife and blowing millions on gambling
  • Rudy: Sean Astin’s irritatingly earnest performance as Fighting Irish walk-on Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger serves as yet another argument for burning Notre Dame to cinders
  • 42: A biographical sports drama about baseball legend Jackie Robinson, who shattered barriers in the 1940s by becoming the first man to wear the number 42 in Major League Baseball

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