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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time.

  • Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and then start shadowboxing like idiots
  • Angels In The Outfield: Dead people fix baseball games
  • Bad News Bears: This critically acclaimed 2005 film breathed fresh life into the terrible 1976 original about a cantankerous little league coach that Walter Matthau really butchered
  • Big Fan: Examines the horrific, life-altering consequences of being a New York Giants fan
  • Chariots Of Fire: Easily one of the top three movies about marathon runners
  • Seabiscuit: Critics still laud Tobey Maguire for his commitment to gaining 30 pounds in order to play jockey Red Pollard
  • Space Jam: Michael Jordan, along with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, star in this film about an aging basketball player trying to appeal to a broader family audience while constantly cheating on his wife and blowing millions on gambling
  • Rudy: Sean Astin’s irritatingly earnest performance as Fighting Irish walk-on Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger serves as yet another argument for burning Notre Dame to cinders
  • 42: A biographical sports drama about baseball legend Jackie Robinson, who shattered barriers in the 1940s by becoming the first man to wear the number 42 in Major League Baseball

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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