adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Biggest All-Time NCAA Tournament Upsets

Either Butler or VCU will be in the NCAA Tournament's final game this year, raising the possibility of a historic upset and calling to mind these previous David-over-Goliath moments:

  • 1966: Texas Western shocks the nation by becoming the first team with an all-black starting five to win the national championship, a result that, in retrospect, isn't really all that surprising
  • 1983: NC State wins the title, an impressive feat considering players have to dodge coach Jim Valvano, who spends the entire game running on the court trying to hug someone
  • 1985: In the tournament's final game, little Villanova knocks out the powerhouse Hoyas by invoking the new "Patrick Ewing Will Never Again Win a Championship at Any Level" rule
  • 1986: Cleveland State's "run and stun" style, combining fast breaks and pressure defense, is more than a match for Indiana's style, which is getting yelled at constantly by its asshole coach
  • 1992: Defeating the heavily favored Wolverines for the championship, Duke ruins everything by proving that team discipline outlasts swagger and bravado
  • 2001: No. 2 seed Iowa State loses to some guy named Hampton
  • 2005: Vermont defeats Syracuse 60-57 in the first round when Orange great Derrick Coleman turns out to be a nonfactor in the game, having gone to the NBA 15 years previously
  • 2006: George Mason beats Wichita State, Michigan State, UConn, and UNC, an outcome some treat as so miraculous that the Patriots may as well be a festering sack of wet shit instead of a pretty good basketball team
  • 2011: Though most would say everyone should take a step back before classifying Morehead State's win over Louisville as one of the all-time great upsets ever, we have space to fill

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close