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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Biggest All-Time NCAA Tournament Upsets

Either Butler or VCU will be in the NCAA Tournament's final game this year, raising the possibility of a historic upset and calling to mind these previous David-over-Goliath moments:

  • 1966: Texas Western shocks the nation by becoming the first team with an all-black starting five to win the national championship, a result that, in retrospect, isn't really all that surprising
  • 1983: NC State wins the title, an impressive feat considering players have to dodge coach Jim Valvano, who spends the entire game running on the court trying to hug someone
  • 1985: In the tournament's final game, little Villanova knocks out the powerhouse Hoyas by invoking the new "Patrick Ewing Will Never Again Win a Championship at Any Level" rule
  • 1986: Cleveland State's "run and stun" style, combining fast breaks and pressure defense, is more than a match for Indiana's style, which is getting yelled at constantly by its asshole coach
  • 1992: Defeating the heavily favored Wolverines for the championship, Duke ruins everything by proving that team discipline outlasts swagger and bravado
  • 2001: No. 2 seed Iowa State loses to some guy named Hampton
  • 2005: Vermont defeats Syracuse 60-57 in the first round when Orange great Derrick Coleman turns out to be a nonfactor in the game, having gone to the NBA 15 years previously
  • 2006: George Mason beats Wichita State, Michigan State, UConn, and UNC, an outcome some treat as so miraculous that the Patriots may as well be a festering sack of wet shit instead of a pretty good basketball team
  • 2011: Though most would say everyone should take a step back before classifying Morehead State's win over Louisville as one of the all-time great upsets ever, we have space to fill

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