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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

  • Mar. 2003: In a major goof that will haunt Jeb Bush all along the campaign trail, his brother unilaterally invades Iraq, destabilizing the region indefinitely and vastly increasing the threat of global terror
  • July 2015: Hillary Clinton’s Spotify playlist contains disturbing contradictions to the iTunes playlist she released for voters in 2007
  • Aug. 2015: A hot mic picks up every one of Scott Walker’s answers during the first GOP debate
  • Oct. 2015: Bernie Sanders is forced to walk back parts of his tax plan in the wake of arguments that slow-roasting the 10 richest Americans on a spit and feeding their carcasses to the unemployed would be unfeasible
  • Oct. 2015: In a highly embarrassing debate performance, John Kasich severely misreads the primary-voting public by appealing to their intelligence and dignity
  • Nov. 2015: Donald Trump is caught in a blatant lie when he claims he saw Muslims cheering at one of his campaign events
  • Dec. 2015: A Ben Carson campaign commercial inadvertently includes numerous copyrighted clips from A Bug’s Life
  • Jan. 2016: Cracks begin to show in Martin O’Malley’s facade as candidate blinks for the first time
  • Feb. 2016: American people fail to take threat of Donald Trump becoming president seriously in the final month they could have done something about it


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