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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Biggest NFL Coach Press-Conference Meltdowns

Watching a coach blow his cool is a treasured football tradition. Here are the ones that made press-conference history:

1960: Cowboys coach Tom Landry is fined $5,000 by the NFL for raising his voice during a postgame press conference

1986: The room falls silent after Bears coach Mike Ditka, offended by an antagonizing question, tells reporters, "I thought you guys were my best friends"

1996: Marty Schottenheimer passionately explains his most recent playoff loss without realizing he is reciting the lyrics to Queen's "Under Pressure"

2004: Following a tough AFC championship game loss, Colts coach Tony Dungy renounces Jesus Christ and sacrifices his first animal to almighty Satan

2004: Addressing the media for the first time as Giants coach, Tom Coughlin forces a New York Post writer, who fumbled a question, to stay after the press conference and practice his query until he gets it right

2005: Red-faced with emotion and grasping the mic in a white-knuckled grip, Steelers coach Bill Cowher nearly deafens reporters with his spittle-drenched roaring while praising his team, lauding the recent press coverage, and thanking his wife and three lovely daughters

2006: After an early playoff exit, Jack Del Rio makes a quick motion as if to punch the press, causing every reporter in the room to flinch

2006: After Arizona coach Dennis Green punctuates a disastrous Monday night loss to the Bears by flipping out and leaving his press conference early, the camera cuts to the gallery, where a flamboyantly gay man breaks the nervous silence by sarcastically quipping: "Well! That was interesting!"

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