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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Biggest Scandals Of The Obama Administration

President Barack Obama has recently come under fire for the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, the White House’s handling of last September’s attack in Benghazi, and the Justice Department’s seizure of reporters’ phone records. Here are some other scandals that have tainted the Obama Administration:

  • August 1961: Obama born
  • January 2009: President Obama accidentally gets sworn in on a copy of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret instead of a Bible
  • June 2009: The Presidential limousine gets booted after being left in a handicapped parking spot all night
  • February 2010: Obama allegedly asks for a cup for water at Chipotle and fills it up with soda
  • July 2011: While sitting in front of a third-grade classroom, Obama unconsciously lights up a smoke and puffs away as he continues to read to the students
  • November 2012: Sasha is caught learning how to kiss with a bust of Abraham Lincoln
  • January 2013: Vice President Biden is thrown in county overnight for selling counterfeit tickets to the inauguration
  • March 2013: A wig mishap reveals that while Obama’s been off sowing his wild oats, his secret twin Tito has been running the country since the beginning of his second term
  • January 2009–May 2013: No one really says anything at all about climate change

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