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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Biggest Scandals Of The Obama Administration

President Barack Obama has recently come under fire for the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, the White House’s handling of last September’s attack in Benghazi, and the Justice Department’s seizure of reporters’ phone records. Here are some other scandals that have tainted the Obama Administration:

  • August 1961: Obama born
  • January 2009: President Obama accidentally gets sworn in on a copy of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret instead of a Bible
  • June 2009: The Presidential limousine gets booted after being left in a handicapped parking spot all night
  • February 2010: Obama allegedly asks for a cup for water at Chipotle and fills it up with soda
  • July 2011: While sitting in front of a third-grade classroom, Obama unconsciously lights up a smoke and puffs away as he continues to read to the students
  • November 2012: Sasha is caught learning how to kiss with a bust of Abraham Lincoln
  • January 2013: Vice President Biden is thrown in county overnight for selling counterfeit tickets to the inauguration
  • March 2013: A wig mishap reveals that while Obama’s been off sowing his wild oats, his secret twin Tito has been running the country since the beginning of his second term
  • January 2009–May 2013: No one really says anything at all about climate change

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