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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Biggest Sports Collapses

With Sergio Garcia plummeting from first place to a seven-way tie for eighth at the Players Championship last weekend, Onion Sports examines some of the worst chokes in the history of athletic competition.

  • 82 B.C.: After bloodying a lion within an inch of death, a Roman gladiator momentarily ponders the cruelty of mankind, giving the lion time to bite into the guy’s throat and eat him
  • 1930-present: Detroit Lions
  • 1964: Following a heavyweight title, promising young boxer Cassius Clay proceeds to go winless for the rest of his career while virtual unknown Muhammad Ali begins his dominance of the sport
  • 1996: Greg Norman blows a six-stroke lead on the final day of the Masters by insisting on playing a ball where it lay after it dropped into the abyss of Augusta’s famous 12th-hole glacial ravine
  • 1997: In a devastating loss for Michael Jordan during Game 6 of the NBA Finals, the Chicago Bulls fail to cover the spread
  • 2002-03: In one of the more disappointing collapses in NBA history, the Raptors lose their final eight games of the 2003 season, leaving them in the unfortunate position to draft Chris Bosh
  • 2006: Leading 26-0 at the half against the Dillon Panthers in the Texas State Football Championship Game, the Mustangs surrender 27 straight points in the second half and lose to the Panthers on the last play of the game, courtesy of a touchdown from Brian “Smash” Williams as time expires
  • 2007: Needing to preserve a seven-game divisional lead going into the final 17 games of the season, the New York Mets don’t do that
  • 2011: Despite the fanfare of the “Big Three” of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh, the Heat lose the NBA Finals to underdog Dallas Mavericks in six games, a disappointment that all three players would never live down for the rest of their careers

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